Google+ erased all my pictures (well, technically I did, but I blame google) and I'm no longer feeling this cluttered space.
I'm starting fresh. Clean, if you will:
cleanproject.wordpress.com.
You're welcome, Krista. :)
29 January 2012
13 July 2011
epif.
I stumbled across this on pinterest late last night. It literally stopped me in my tracks.
I have become obsessed lately with what I don't have, and what I want to be different, rather than taking the time to appreciate what I have. This is especially concerning to me because I know what I have now is so much better now than I ever expected things to be a few years ago. I think it's healthy to have a small amount of motivation to make things better in life and not to become complacent, but my mental state has been anything but well-balanced and optimistic lately.
I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think and to obsess. And although I love the opportunity to have lots of time to myself, I need to start making more of an effort to do the things that I know will make my happy and feel more like me. It's so ironic that I spend so much time being excited about school/work ending and the summer beginning, and then I always have this mental epifany a few weeks in, and realize how much I love my job and then I can't wait to go back to work.
Time off makes me appreciate my job. Who knew?
I have become obsessed lately with what I don't have, and what I want to be different, rather than taking the time to appreciate what I have. This is especially concerning to me because I know what I have now is so much better now than I ever expected things to be a few years ago. I think it's healthy to have a small amount of motivation to make things better in life and not to become complacent, but my mental state has been anything but well-balanced and optimistic lately.
I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think and to obsess. And although I love the opportunity to have lots of time to myself, I need to start making more of an effort to do the things that I know will make my happy and feel more like me. It's so ironic that I spend so much time being excited about school/work ending and the summer beginning, and then I always have this mental epifany a few weeks in, and realize how much I love my job and then I can't wait to go back to work.
Time off makes me appreciate my job. Who knew?
02 July 2011
Ketchup.
I'm watching Julie and Julia, one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. I suddenly remembered that I, too, have a blog, one that I have neglected immensely in the past (three!) months.
Cue photo catch up. In the past three months, I have...
spent much time with my nieces.
spent Spring Break in WA -- found a new favorite brewery.
reignited (pun intended) my love of eating meat flesh
been reading like mad (kindles rule!)
enjoyed many sunsets from my deck
(and have continued to love our apartment on the marina)
brewed my first batch of beer
(although I don't think it will be a keeper, it's a tad on the funky side)
celebrated four years of aunthood
been kayaking (it needs a name... ideas?)
spent a weekend with civil war re enactors and quilters
knitted a block for a super cool project (youarethechosenone.com)
eaten grilled cheese on a school bus
trying to live up to a friend's belief that I can successfully water her garden for a month without killing any of her plants.
And I would also mention that I have finished yet another school year and am enjoying summer vaca until mid-August. Life has been and is good.
26 March 2011
Expectations.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am scared shitless. Scared that life as I know it is going to be pulled out from under me like a tablecloth on a full table. Although unlike those who practice magic, my table settings will be severely disrupted and not sitting neatly upright when it's all said and done. I really have no reason to think this, other than the conclusions that I quickly jump to when things aren't going how I expect them to be.
I am THE QUEEN of high expectations.
I have also realized that unless someone tells me what they think and how they feel about me, I jump to conclusions and those conclusions are usually rooted in insecurities. And as much I would like to think that I don't care what other people think of me, I absolutely do care. Thankfully, I've gotten to a point in life where the need to be likely and accepted doesn't drive my decisions.
I have grown so much in the past years, yet still have so far to go. It's times like this, when things feel like they've hit rock bottom (even though they haven't) that I give myself an opportunity to really embrace my craziness and start to understand what makes me tick. And appreciate the people around me who love me anyways.
I am THE QUEEN of high expectations.
I have also realized that unless someone tells me what they think and how they feel about me, I jump to conclusions and those conclusions are usually rooted in insecurities. And as much I would like to think that I don't care what other people think of me, I absolutely do care. Thankfully, I've gotten to a point in life where the need to be likely and accepted doesn't drive my decisions.
I have grown so much in the past years, yet still have so far to go. It's times like this, when things feel like they've hit rock bottom (even though they haven't) that I give myself an opportunity to really embrace my craziness and start to understand what makes me tick. And appreciate the people around me who love me anyways.
25 March 2011
Lists.
I recently read an article (which I can't find to save my life) in which a woman wrote a list of things that she wishes she could go back in time and tell her past self. I loved the idea of it because it clearly outlined the things that she had learned. And although I am a firm believer in the idea of learning from one's mistakes and probably wouldn't actually want to change the course of history, I've been thinking non-stop about what my own list would look like.
1. The relationship you have with your parents is a great one, even though it differs greatly from almost everyone around you. Some of the strongest connections are ones in which there are long periods without contact. Don't waste time on what you wish it could be like -- enjoy the relationship that you do have.
2. You are strong enough to leave. The longer you delay the decision, the longer until you have to wait to have the understanding that you did the right thing.
3. Poor decisions can be the best way to force yourself to decide to change. Especially this one. Fate put you under that awning.
4. Those black adidas shoes with the white strips are not worth the $80 and you don't have to have them to fit in. Mom is right. What your middle school friends think of your shoes doesn't matter in the long run.
5. You will be friends with her again, even though it feels like she's completely ruined the end of your senior year. People will forget the rumor her boyfriend spread and you will not be remembered as that person forever. She is your sister and she loves you.
6. That boy is not worth your time.
7. That other boy is not worth your time.
8. He is DEFINITELY not worth your time.
9. You are lucky to have both grandparents and great-grandparents so close to you. Take advantage of it and listen intently to each story, no matter how convoluted or boring it is. You'll wish you had remembered more later.
10. If someone proposes over the phone, it might be a clue that it's an impulsive decision that probably should've been planned better.
11. If people don't like the decisions your making, they have the right to speak up and to be mad at you. The way you react to them is what's important -- no one will remember ten years from now what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
12. Spending an entire day watching TV is okay. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about relaxing and being unproductive.
13. Having to work harder to cover someone else's butt will actually push you further in your career than you ever imagined possible. Embrace what you are learning and work as hard as you can while you still have the energy.
14. One day, you will run 30 minutes straight without stopping. There's no reason to fake a nose bleed in PE -- you will enjoy running some day.
15. Every time he bad mouths you to other people, he is the one who looks bad, not you. You will be more respected later for your ability to remain stoic and respectful.
16. Driving to Portland three days a week will turn out to be something that you use later in life to gauge every challenge you face. And, you will actually miss it some day.
17. You will always need reassurance from the people around you, but don't forget that the person that's opinion matters the most is your own.
18. You will learn more from teenagers than you ever thought possible. And for as many days as you have that you question your effectiveness, you will have even more where you feel inspired by someone under the age of 18.
19. It is possible to catch up with people even if there's been nearly a decade within your friendship. Don't let time scare you away from the people who once meant the world to you.
20. Don't listen to your future self. She pretends to know everything, but in reality, she's just as lost and confused as she's ever been. Which means there's more learning to do and more lessons to be had.
1. The relationship you have with your parents is a great one, even though it differs greatly from almost everyone around you. Some of the strongest connections are ones in which there are long periods without contact. Don't waste time on what you wish it could be like -- enjoy the relationship that you do have.
2. You are strong enough to leave. The longer you delay the decision, the longer until you have to wait to have the understanding that you did the right thing.
3. Poor decisions can be the best way to force yourself to decide to change. Especially this one. Fate put you under that awning.
4. Those black adidas shoes with the white strips are not worth the $80 and you don't have to have them to fit in. Mom is right. What your middle school friends think of your shoes doesn't matter in the long run.
5. You will be friends with her again, even though it feels like she's completely ruined the end of your senior year. People will forget the rumor her boyfriend spread and you will not be remembered as that person forever. She is your sister and she loves you.
6. That boy is not worth your time.
7. That other boy is not worth your time.
8. He is DEFINITELY not worth your time.
9. You are lucky to have both grandparents and great-grandparents so close to you. Take advantage of it and listen intently to each story, no matter how convoluted or boring it is. You'll wish you had remembered more later.
10. If someone proposes over the phone, it might be a clue that it's an impulsive decision that probably should've been planned better.
11. If people don't like the decisions your making, they have the right to speak up and to be mad at you. The way you react to them is what's important -- no one will remember ten years from now what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
12. Spending an entire day watching TV is okay. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about relaxing and being unproductive.
13. Having to work harder to cover someone else's butt will actually push you further in your career than you ever imagined possible. Embrace what you are learning and work as hard as you can while you still have the energy.
14. One day, you will run 30 minutes straight without stopping. There's no reason to fake a nose bleed in PE -- you will enjoy running some day.
15. Every time he bad mouths you to other people, he is the one who looks bad, not you. You will be more respected later for your ability to remain stoic and respectful.
16. Driving to Portland three days a week will turn out to be something that you use later in life to gauge every challenge you face. And, you will actually miss it some day.
17. You will always need reassurance from the people around you, but don't forget that the person that's opinion matters the most is your own.
18. You will learn more from teenagers than you ever thought possible. And for as many days as you have that you question your effectiveness, you will have even more where you feel inspired by someone under the age of 18.
19. It is possible to catch up with people even if there's been nearly a decade within your friendship. Don't let time scare you away from the people who once meant the world to you.
20. Don't listen to your future self. She pretends to know everything, but in reality, she's just as lost and confused as she's ever been. Which means there's more learning to do and more lessons to be had.
21 March 2011
Loser.
Okay, since there is one confirmed reader, and since I read her blog obsessively, I guess I am motivated to continue to write to keep her entertained between wiping drool and making coffee. :)
Today's "ah ha!" moment came from watching the biggest loser. (Yes, I am in love with that show. I love that it is on Tuesday nights, which means I usually watch it on Wednesday, which means it motivates me to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Thursdays to work out. 5:30? Me? Only in my 30s.)
Anyways.... one of the contestants was talking about the point in which he realized he needed to make some big life changes. I got to thinking about my own. This summer I went to DC for my b-day. It was an awesome trip. But secretly, beyond all the fun and excitement I was having, I was self-conscious and miserable. I was feeling so overweight, so out of shape and completely obsessed with feeling so bad about myself. We spent almost every day walking around, which completely exhausted me. I realized that I was 30 and that I was in the worse shape of my life and had completely wasted my 20s feeling so uncomfortable in my skin. And the biggest part of this realization was that it was less about how I looked and more about how I felt.
When we returned, I vowed to make a change. And I have. I've been running 2-3 days a week since the beginning of August. I've lost 20 lbs and feel better than I ever have. I get up at 5:30am to work out, I eat well, I drink a ton of water, and I rarely know my weight. That's the key -- I weigh myself only on days that I can physically feel the difference so even if the numbers don't cooperate, I still feel good. And no closer than two weeks apart. The difference is all in how I feel, and not as much about how I look. Yes, I'm looking forward to 3.5 lbs from now when I know for a fact that I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school, but it has become more about how I feel than what the numbers say.
A few years ago, I went on a quick weight loss trip which involved about 3 months of hard core calorie counting, working out 6 days a week and running myself (literally) into the ground. I thought if I looked better and weighed less, all the other problems in my life would fix themselves. It was a bandaid solution. What did feel great was that everyone and their aunt commented on how great I looked. All my obsessing was confirmed by the people around me and I kept pushing myself until I realized my body image had nothing to do with the relationship that was caving in around me. This go around, people haven't said anything to me. My closest friends tell me that they can't believe I get up so early to work out, or that they're impressed that I am running and working through injuries. But not one person has commented that I look like I've lost weight like they did before. And I'm okay with that. In my previous life, I would've given up. What's the point if I don't look better? But this time it's different because it's all about how I feel, not about how I look. And although I welcome any compliments that may be thrown my way, I don't crave them and use them as motivation like in the past. It's clear that the head attached to this body is in a much better place.
Not only was my 30th birthday the best ever, but the first year of my 30s has proven to be one of the healthiest and happiest. Bring it, 31. I have a feeling you will be even better.
Today's "ah ha!" moment came from watching the biggest loser. (Yes, I am in love with that show. I love that it is on Tuesday nights, which means I usually watch it on Wednesday, which means it motivates me to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Thursdays to work out. 5:30? Me? Only in my 30s.)
Anyways.... one of the contestants was talking about the point in which he realized he needed to make some big life changes. I got to thinking about my own. This summer I went to DC for my b-day. It was an awesome trip. But secretly, beyond all the fun and excitement I was having, I was self-conscious and miserable. I was feeling so overweight, so out of shape and completely obsessed with feeling so bad about myself. We spent almost every day walking around, which completely exhausted me. I realized that I was 30 and that I was in the worse shape of my life and had completely wasted my 20s feeling so uncomfortable in my skin. And the biggest part of this realization was that it was less about how I looked and more about how I felt.
When we returned, I vowed to make a change. And I have. I've been running 2-3 days a week since the beginning of August. I've lost 20 lbs and feel better than I ever have. I get up at 5:30am to work out, I eat well, I drink a ton of water, and I rarely know my weight. That's the key -- I weigh myself only on days that I can physically feel the difference so even if the numbers don't cooperate, I still feel good. And no closer than two weeks apart. The difference is all in how I feel, and not as much about how I look. Yes, I'm looking forward to 3.5 lbs from now when I know for a fact that I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school, but it has become more about how I feel than what the numbers say.
A few years ago, I went on a quick weight loss trip which involved about 3 months of hard core calorie counting, working out 6 days a week and running myself (literally) into the ground. I thought if I looked better and weighed less, all the other problems in my life would fix themselves. It was a bandaid solution. What did feel great was that everyone and their aunt commented on how great I looked. All my obsessing was confirmed by the people around me and I kept pushing myself until I realized my body image had nothing to do with the relationship that was caving in around me. This go around, people haven't said anything to me. My closest friends tell me that they can't believe I get up so early to work out, or that they're impressed that I am running and working through injuries. But not one person has commented that I look like I've lost weight like they did before. And I'm okay with that. In my previous life, I would've given up. What's the point if I don't look better? But this time it's different because it's all about how I feel, not about how I look. And although I welcome any compliments that may be thrown my way, I don't crave them and use them as motivation like in the past. It's clear that the head attached to this body is in a much better place.
Not only was my 30th birthday the best ever, but the first year of my 30s has proven to be one of the healthiest and happiest. Bring it, 31. I have a feeling you will be even better.
20 March 2011
Better.
I've been really insecure lately about posting. But I've come to terms with the fact that very few people read this, I'm probably never going to make a living as a writer, and in fact, I may even be teased behind my back for even having a blog. Screw it. It's therapeutic, and I thoroughly enjoy reading posts from way back when and seeing how far I've come. The whole point of this blog was to be more transparent with my feelings and to get out of my shell that became my life during and after "the divorce." So be it. Maybe in the mean time, someone will stumble upon it and learn something about me that they didn't know.
The last month has flown by. It's hard to believe it's already March and I'm counting down the days until the next paycheck (9! Can I make it?!). At the end of February, I spent an evening with great friends from college. I also had the opportunity to travel to San Francisco where I found a renewed energy to do my job, as well as catch up with friends from college that I had literally not seen in 8ish years. It's amazing how you can so seamlessly fall into conversations and hanging out with great people who had such an impact on your life at one point, but have been essentially missing in your present day. They were exactly the same people I knew -- same mannerisms, same fun and outgoing personalities, and same kind and caring hearts. It was overwhelming how similar these people were even though life had taken us all in varied directions since we were all last together. It really got me thinking -- am I the same person I was in college? I don't even think I know who that person was. I don't even know if I would remember how to be that person. But, I know that I'm more content being and happier with the person that I am today than I've ever felt before.
Life is good. I'm still running and getting faster and strong every time, despite some serious shin pain that has hindered my progress. I've accomplished some STELLAR thai dishes. I grew herbs from seeds (but they died, not surprisingly). I paid off a serious amount of debt with my tax return. I can knit cables like it's my job. And other than the fact that I'm still on the same book I was in February, 2011 (and being 30, really) keeps getting better and better and better.
The last month has flown by. It's hard to believe it's already March and I'm counting down the days until the next paycheck (9! Can I make it?!). At the end of February, I spent an evening with great friends from college. I also had the opportunity to travel to San Francisco where I found a renewed energy to do my job, as well as catch up with friends from college that I had literally not seen in 8ish years. It's amazing how you can so seamlessly fall into conversations and hanging out with great people who had such an impact on your life at one point, but have been essentially missing in your present day. They were exactly the same people I knew -- same mannerisms, same fun and outgoing personalities, and same kind and caring hearts. It was overwhelming how similar these people were even though life had taken us all in varied directions since we were all last together. It really got me thinking -- am I the same person I was in college? I don't even think I know who that person was. I don't even know if I would remember how to be that person. But, I know that I'm more content being and happier with the person that I am today than I've ever felt before.
Life is good. I'm still running and getting faster and strong every time, despite some serious shin pain that has hindered my progress. I've accomplished some STELLAR thai dishes. I grew herbs from seeds (but they died, not surprisingly). I paid off a serious amount of debt with my tax return. I can knit cables like it's my job. And other than the fact that I'm still on the same book I was in February, 2011 (and being 30, really) keeps getting better and better and better.
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