Loser.

Okay, since there is one confirmed reader, and since I read her blog obsessively, I guess I am motivated to continue to write to keep her entertained between wiping drool and making coffee.  :)

Today's "ah ha!" moment came from watching the biggest loser.  (Yes, I am in love with that show.  I love that it is on Tuesday nights, which means I usually watch it on Wednesday, which means it motivates me to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Thursdays to work out.  5:30?  Me?  Only in my 30s.)

Anyways.... one of the contestants was talking about the point in which he realized he needed to make some big life changes.  I got to thinking about my own.  This summer I went to DC for my b-day.  It was an awesome trip.  But secretly, beyond all the fun and excitement I was having, I was self-conscious and miserable.  I was feeling so overweight, so out of shape and completely obsessed with feeling so bad about myself.  We spent almost every day walking around, which completely exhausted me.  I realized that I was 30 and that I was in the worse shape of my life and had completely wasted my 20s feeling so uncomfortable in my skin.  And the biggest part of this realization was that it was less about how I looked and more about how I felt.

When we returned, I vowed to make a change.  And I have.  I've been running 2-3 days a week since the beginning of August.  I've lost 20 lbs and feel better than I ever have.  I get up at 5:30am to work out, I eat well, I drink a ton of water, and I rarely know my weight.   That's the key -- I weigh myself only on days that I can physically feel the difference so even if the numbers don't cooperate, I still feel good.  And no closer than two weeks apart.  The difference is all in how I feel, and not as much about how I look.  Yes, I'm looking forward to 3.5 lbs from now when I know for a fact that I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school, but it has become more about how I feel than what the numbers say.

A few years ago, I went on a quick weight loss trip which involved about 3 months of hard core calorie counting, working out 6 days a week and running myself (literally) into the ground.  I thought if I looked better and weighed less, all the other problems in my life would fix themselves.  It was a bandaid solution.  What did feel great was that everyone and their aunt commented on how great I looked.  All my obsessing was confirmed by the people around me and I kept pushing myself until I realized my body image had nothing to do with the relationship that was caving in around me.  This go around, people haven't said anything to me.  My closest friends tell me that they can't believe I get up so early to work out, or that they're impressed that I am running and working through injuries.  But not one person has commented that I look like I've lost weight like they did before.  And I'm okay with that.  In my previous life, I would've given up.  What's the point if I don't look better?  But this time it's different because it's all about how I feel, not about how I look.  And although I welcome any compliments that may be thrown my way, I don't crave them and use them as motivation like in the past.  It's clear that the head attached to this body is in a much better place.

Not only was my 30th birthday the best ever, but the first year of my 30s has proven to be one of the healthiest and happiest.  Bring it, 31.  I have a feeling you will be even better.