i climbed out.

New Start

2012-01-29T16:43:00.001-08:00

Google+ erased all my pictures (well, technically I did, but I blame google) and I'm no longer feeling this cluttered space.

I'm starting fresh. Clean, if you will:

cleanproject.wordpress.com.

You're welcome, Krista. :)

epif.

2011-07-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this on pinterest late last night. It literally stopped me in my tracks.

I have become obsessed lately with what I don't have, and what I want to be different, rather than taking the time to appreciate what I have. This is especially concerning to me because I know what I have now is so much better now than I ever expected things to be a few years ago. I think it's healthy to have a small amount of motivation to make things better in life and not to become complacent, but my mental state has been anything but well-balanced and optimistic lately.

I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think and to obsess. And although I love the opportunity to have lots of time to myself, I need to start making more of an effort to do the things that I know will make my happy and feel more like me. It's so ironic that I spend so much time being excited about school/work ending and the summer beginning, and then I always have this mental epifany a few weeks in, and realize how much I love my job and then I can't wait to go back to work.

Time off makes me appreciate my job. Who knew?

Ketchup.

2011-07-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Julie and Julia, one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. I suddenly remembered that I, too, have a blog, one that I have neglected immensely in the past (three!) months.

Cue photo catch up. In the past three months, I have...

spent much time with my nieces.

spent Spring Break in WA -- found a new favorite brewery.

reignited (pun intended) my love of eating meat flesh

been reading like mad (kindles rule!)

enjoyed many sunsets from my deck

(and have continued to love our apartment on the marina)

brewed my first batch of beer

(although I don't think it will be a keeper, it's a tad on the funky side)

celebrated four years of aunthood

been kayaking (it needs a name... ideas?)

spent a weekend with civil war re enactors and quilters

knitted a block for a super cool project (youarethechosenone.com)

eaten grilled cheese on a school bus

trying to live up to a friend's belief that I can successfully water her garden for a month without killing any of her plants.

And I would also mention that I have finished yet another school year and am enjoying summer vaca until mid-August. Life has been and is good.

Expectations.

2011-03-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have come to terms with the fact that I am scared shitless. Scared that life as I know it is going to be pulled out from under me like a tablecloth on a full table. Although unlike those who practice magic, my table settings will be severely disrupted and not sitting neatly upright when it's all said and done. I really have no reason to think this, other than the conclusions that I quickly jump to when things aren't going how I expect them to be.

I am THE QUEEN of high expectations.

I have also realized that unless someone tells me what they think and how they feel about me, I jump to conclusions and those conclusions are usually rooted in insecurities. And as much I would like to think that I don't care what other people think of me, I absolutely do care. Thankfully, I've gotten to a point in life where the need to be likely and accepted doesn't drive my decisions.

I have grown so much in the past years, yet still have so far to go. It's times like this, when things feel like they've hit rock bottom (even though they haven't) that I give myself an opportunity to really embrace my craziness and start to understand what makes me tick. And appreciate the people around me who love me anyways.

Lists.

2011-03-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article (which I can't find to save my life) in which a woman wrote a list of things that she wishes she could go back in time and tell her past self. I loved the idea of it because it clearly outlined the things that she had learned. And although I am a firm believer in the idea of learning from one's mistakes and probably wouldn't actually want to change the course of history, I've been thinking non-stop about what my own list would look like.

1. The relationship you have with your parents is a great one, even though it differs greatly from almost everyone around you. Some of the strongest connections are ones in which there are long periods without contact. Don't waste time on what you wish it could be like -- enjoy the relationship that you do have.
2. You are strong enough to leave. The longer you delay the decision, the longer until you have to wait to have the understanding that you did the right thing.
3. Poor decisions can be the best way to force yourself to decide to change. Especially this one. Fate put you under that awning.
4. Those black adidas shoes with the white strips are not worth the $80 and you don't have to have them to fit in. Mom is right. What your middle school friends think of your shoes doesn't matter in the long run.
5. You will be friends with her again, even though it feels like she's completely ruined the end of your senior year. People will forget the rumor her boyfriend spread and you will not be remembered as that person forever. She is your sister and she loves you.
6. That boy is not worth your time.
7. That other boy is not worth your time.
8. He is DEFINITELY not worth your time.
9. You are lucky to have both grandparents and great-grandparents so close to you. Take advantage of it and listen intently to each story, no matter how convoluted or boring it is. You'll wish you had remembered more later.
10. If someone proposes over the phone, it might be a clue that it's an impulsive decision that probably should've been planned better.
11. If people don't like the decisions your making, they have the right to speak up and to be mad at you. The way you react to them is what's important -- no one will remember ten years from now what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
12. Spending an entire day watching TV is okay. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about relaxing and being unproductive.
13. Having to work harder to cover someone else's butt will actually push you further in your career than you ever imagined possible. Embrace what you are learning and work as hard as you can while you still have the energy.
14. One day, you will run 30 minutes straight without stopping. There's no reason to fake a nose bleed in PE -- you will enjoy running some day.
15. Every time he bad mouths you to other people, he is the one who looks bad, not you. You will be more respected later for your ability to remain stoic and respectful.
16. Driving to Portland three days a week will turn out to be something that you use later in life to gauge every challenge you face. And, you will actually miss it some day.
17. You will always need reassurance from the people around you, but don't forget that the person that's opinion matters the most is your own.
18. You will learn more from teenagers than you ever thought possible. And for as many days as you have that you question your effectiveness, you will have even more where you feel inspired by someone under the age of 18.
19. It is possible to catch up with people even if there's been nearly a decade within your friendship. Don't let time scare you away from the people who once meant the world to you.
20. Don't listen to your future self. She pretends to know everything, but in reality, she's just as lost and confused as she's ever been. Which means there's more learning to do and more lessons to be had.

Loser.

2011-03-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, since there is one confirmed reader, and since I read her blog obsessively, I guess I am motivated to continue to write to keep her entertained between wiping drool and making coffee. :)

Today's "ah ha!" moment came from watching the biggest loser. (Yes, I am in love with that show. I love that it is on Tuesday nights, which means I usually watch it on Wednesday, which means it motivates me to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Thursdays to work out. 5:30? Me? Only in my 30s.)

Anyways.... one of the contestants was talking about the point in which he realized he needed to make some big life changes. I got to thinking about my own. This summer I went to DC for my b-day. It was an awesome trip. But secretly, beyond all the fun and excitement I was having, I was self-conscious and miserable. I was feeling so overweight, so out of shape and completely obsessed with feeling so bad about myself. We spent almost every day walking around, which completely exhausted me. I realized that I was 30 and that I was in the worse shape of my life and had completely wasted my 20s feeling so uncomfortable in my skin. And the biggest part of this realization was that it was less about how I looked and more about how I felt.

When we returned, I vowed to make a change. And I have. I've been running 2-3 days a week since the beginning of August. I've lost 20 lbs and feel better than I ever have. I get up at 5:30am to work out, I eat well, I drink a ton of water, and I rarely know my weight. That's the key -- I weigh myself only on days that I can physically feel the difference so even if the numbers don't cooperate, I still feel good. And no closer than two weeks apart. The difference is all in how I feel, and not as much about how I look. Yes, I'm looking forward to 3.5 lbs from now when I know for a fact that I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school, but it has become more about how I feel than what the numbers say.

A few years ago, I went on a quick weight loss trip which involved about 3 months of hard core calorie counting, working out 6 days a week and running myself (literally) into the ground. I thought if I looked better and weighed less, all the other problems in my life would fix themselves. It was a bandaid solution. What did feel great was that everyone and their aunt commented on how great I looked. All my obsessing was confirmed by the people around me and I kept pushing myself until I realized my body image had nothing to do with the relationship that was caving in around me. This go around, people haven't said anything to me. My closest friends tell me that they can't believe I get up so early to work out, or that they're impressed that I am running and working through injuries. But not one person has commented that I look like I've lost weight like they did before. And I'm okay with that. In my previous life, I would've given up. What's the point if I don't look better? But this time it's different because it's all about how I feel, not about how I look. And although I welcome any compliments that may be thrown my way, I don't crave them and use them as motivation like in the past. It's clear that the head attached to this body is in a much better place.

Not only was my 30th birthday the best ever, but the first year of my 30s has proven to be one of the healthiest and happiest. Bring it, 31. I have a feeling you will be even better.

Better.

2011-03-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

I've been really insecure lately about posting. But I've come to terms with the fact that very few people read this, I'm probably never going to make a living as a writer, and in fact, I may even be teased behind my back for even having a blog. Screw it. It's therapeutic, and I thoroughly enjoy reading posts from way back when and seeing how far I've come. The whole point of this blog was to be more transparent with my feelings and to get out of my shell that became my life during and after "the divorce." So be it. Maybe in the mean time, someone will stumble upon it and learn something about me that they didn't know.

The last month has flown by. It's hard to believe it's already March and I'm counting down the days until the next paycheck (9! Can I make it?!). At the end of February, I spent an evening with great friends from college. I also had the opportunity to travel to San Francisco where I found a renewed energy to do my job, as well as catch up with friends from college that I had literally not seen in 8ish years. It's amazing how you can so seamlessly fall into conversations and hanging out with great people who had such an impact on your life at one point, but have been essentially missing in your present day. They were exactly the same people I knew -- same mannerisms, same fun and outgoing personalities, and same kind and caring hearts. It was overwhelming how similar these people were even though life had taken us all in varied directions since we were all last together. It really got me thinking -- am I the same person I was in college? I don't even think I know who that person was. I don't even know if I would remember how to be that person. But, I know that I'm more content being and happier with the person that I am today than I've ever felt before.

Life is good. I'm still running and getting faster and strong every time, despite some serious shin pain that has hindered my progress. I've accomplished some STELLAR thai dishes. I grew herbs from seeds (but they died, not surprisingly). I paid off a serious amount of debt with my tax return. I can knit cables like it's my job. And other than the fact that I'm still on the same book I was in February, 2011 (and being 30, really) keeps getting better and better and better.

Numb.

2011-02-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

I have become completely and totally numb. The things that I have learned about kids this week should break my heart, should throw me into an emotional tail spin, and should most definitely keep me up at night. Instead, I listen, I intervene, I counsel, I inform, I plan and I move on with my day. I don't react emotionally, which is beyond bizarre. I am worried that I am either in complete denial or have developed coping skills that are far and beyond healthy. I know these are horrible events, behaviors, and experiences. I feel empathy for these students and understand their needs and help them as much as I can. But I don't allow myself to feel the pain.

But then I get really excited about the good things. Like REALLY excited. About small things, like a student's grade on a test, or a long awaited break up with a boyfriend, or new computers. The small good things put me over the top. The big and bad barely phases me.

I've either settled into an emotional state that will allow me to survive a career as a school counselor, or am on track for a mega melt down at some time in the near future. Until then, those little things that put me over the top are getting me through the four weeks until spring break.

One new computer at a time.

Nancys.

2011-02-12T14:29:00.000-08:00

I've had a whole lot of thoughts swirling around in my head lately. The last week was one that I would like to forget, but at the same time, it might be one of my proudest moments. If I can survive that week, I can survive any week.

I consider myself a very positive person. I am more optimistic than most. I think it's mostly a coping strategy - I don't let myself think the worst and I completely remove myself from things that don't end well. I get frustrated when people complain or have a negative attitude and it usually ends with me abruptly changing the subject, walking away from the situation, or a sarcastic comment that makes it clear that I'm tired of hearing them bitch. But there are some people that I can't escape from so easily, and I sometimes get caught up in their complaints and have to ride it out until I find an escape hatch.

Last week, that person I couldn't escape from was me. Negativity was like a disease that was spread around my workplace, and I had a full-blown case of bad juju. Budget cuts are on the horizon. People will lose their jobs. Everyone is doing more and feeling under appreciated in the process. It's a losing battle that none of us can control, yet it's impossible to ignore. And apparently, difficult not to talk about. I'm not sure if there is safety in numbers when it comes to bad moods.

Thankfully, no matter how bad my professional day is, I have a full supply of the antidote at home. Monday, Thursday and Friday I came home to the person who can change my mood in less time than it takes to pour me my favorite beer. I am so grateful for the ability to complain, vent, bitch (ironically complaining about people who complain makes me feel better) and then move on with the rest of the day with fun, good humor, good food, and nothing to think about except fun and good times. Literally.

Bring it on, Negative Nancys. You'll never blacken my rainbows, glitter, unicorns and sunshine again.

Glitter.

2011-01-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

I came home for lunch today because it's one of the rare moments in my year that I get to. Part of me came home because I needed to be alone for a bit, part of me came home to avoid the "mean-girl/only-cool-people-eat-with-us" politics of off-campus teacher lunching. Mostly, I came home because I had yummy enchiladas waiting for me, a diet pepsi, and hopes that I could change my mood.

I feel as though so much surrounding my professional life right now is negative. Even an evening with a friend, which was supposed to be fun, turned into complaining about things and people that I agree with and like. Over. And over. And over. Budget cuts are not helping anyone's moral at school. Even a two million dollar grant to give every kid and teacher a brand new laptop has turned into grumblings about too much work and too high of expectations. It's contagious. At least for me. I get so impatient with the requests of kids that seem trivial and selfish and I find myself unintentionally being short and grumpy with them. Obviously, not what I intend to do when I'm supposed to be providing support. I need to be better about owning my grumpiness, apologizing for it, and moving past it. I can be really rude exactly when I don't mean to be.

I'm grateful that the events of my personal life (sans last night's social outing) are always fun, always entertaining, and always exactly what I need. I am so lucky that I can be optimistic and cheerful and positive outside of work and there's no one who tries to break me of the glitter and sunshine world that I attempt to live in. I've had fewer bad days during this school year than I have fingers to count on, which I credit the knowledge that I can come home and it all goes away. Some days, there are two distinct people -- the stressed out, underappreciated and confused working Beth and the relaxed, happy, content at home Beth. I need to work on the home Beth hanging out with the work Beth more often.

Peppers.

2011-01-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

One resolution down. Authentic thai food has been made (twice) and eaten (once). I have learned that even the tiniest of chili peppers pack a ridiculous punch and should be considered especially potent. I have learned that placing said mini chili peppers in a wok at high heat could cause a sensation in nearby people that leads to coughing, a nose that runs like a faucet, and a burning sensation in the lungs. I have learned that the pizza served at the nearby bar is as good as I remember it and beer cures all. I have learned that seeding said chili peppers requires gloves or else a middle of the night eye rubbing fit could lead to a intense burning sensation, but thankfully, one which quickly passes.

I have also learned that you have to get back up on the proverbial horse and give it a second try -- this time, paying attention to the fact that "authentic" thai food recipes don't have cute little pepper icons next to them to indicate how spicy the recipe is -- they're all five or six....on a scale of three. Pad Thai from scratch was a huge success and one that will be repeated soon. As in tomorrow. It was that good.

And as a result of the seeding incident, my stress-reducing coping method of chewing my fingernails created a burning sensation in my mouth. I may also have inadvertently found a way to successfully complete ALL of my resolutions!

Surprise.

2011-01-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

Only seven days in and I'm making substantial progress on my resolutions for '11. My herb garden starter set arrived today. I know the amount of money I have in my bank account to the penny. I have a newly purchased wok and a shopping list for authentic thai ingredients for my next trip to the big city. I even bought a book about home brewing, thus conquering two tasks at once. Whew. Progress can be a little exhausting. Three weeks of being I'm-so-sick-I-can't-stop-coughing (and-whining!!!) has pushed my running back to near ground zero, but I'm looking forward to that changing in the near future.

Some of the best moments in 2011 have been ongoing frequent moments of surprise that I don't know that I'll ever get used to. I've mentioned the feeling of my heart smiling. Adding to that has been moments where I am truly blown away by the response I get, even in response to the most mundane things. The perfect response. The words that are exactly what I wanted to hear, but didn't even know. Things that make me realize that I'm exactly in the right place, right time. Most of all, right person.

I know there are things about this life that I take for granted. There have been days recently that were spent in ways that I would've only dreamt to experience years ago, that are now common place. But I am lucky that I am still able to appreciate and find complete joy in all of them, every time, even though they are not as unique as they once were.

2011, I could get used to you.

10 for 11.

2010-12-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't make any resolutions for 2010. I think the chaos and exhaustion of 2009 left me feeling like just making it until 2011 was goal enough. I definitely did more in 2010 than any other year, which has left me wanting to keep the momentum going. And rather than a wide variety of "be healthier" and "stop biting my nails" like every single year since I became a resolution maker, I thought more specific goals might be better for me to obtain. Here are my 10 (and a half)....

Read one book a month - January's plan is "What the Dog Saw", which I barely started reading. In February, I plan to start the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series, which could keep me occupied for a few months.
Run a 5k - Not necessarily an official race, but be able to run 3.1 straight without stopping.
Have a sleepover with my nieces - needs no explanation, really. They're the coolest.
Brew my own beer - I'm dying to learn how and I think it'd be beneficial for me to combine two of my favorite hobbies -- cooking and drinking beer.
Eliminate debt - I have a line of credit and a credit card that are both higher than I would like. I want to eliminate one (and put a huge dent in the other) by the end of the year.
Plant an herb garden - I have the ultimate brown thumb and have never had the guts to think about eating something that I might not have grown correctly. I have always wanted to have fresh herbs at my disposal, but have never had the perfect windowsills until now. My paper whites from November are still alive, and blooming well, so I think I might have a chance!
Sell a photo - Technically, I've done this a bit in 2010 thanks to my dad and his budding greeting card empire, but I want to expand it a bit and find a way to see if I can make my hobby work for me. Etsy, here I come.
Learn to knit cables - I've been knitting on and off since I learned in my childhood. It's something I enjoy, especially since I end up giving almost everything I knit away, which is the best part. Cables have always been intimidating to me, and I would love to conquer this fear in '11. Maybe fair isle knitting for '12?
Learn to cook Thai food - I have one thai recipe in my repertoire, from the back of a book of rice noodles. And it's damn good, but I'd like to add a good curry, a Pad Thai from scratch, and spring rolls.
Three mini resolutions in one?
Hike Saddle Mountain - I've lived in Clatsop County for over 8 and a half years and I have yet to enjoy the view from the top.

And as always, stop biting my nails....

Monthly.

2010-12-31T14:24:00.000-08:00

2010 rocked. Here's my proof:

Recharge.

2010-12-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

There are some amazing things about being with the perfect partner. There are times when I just know I'm in the right place in my life at the very right time. I love those moments where I can literally feel my heart smile and I can tell that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know I've felt this way in the past, but I am overwhelmed by how often I still feel this way. I expected the feeling to fade, but it's not. If anything, it's become stronger and it's more impacting each time it happens. Today, it was noticing that he recorded a concert by one of my favorite bands for me. Simple things, but a strong message that counts.

I'm getting really excited for Christmas. This is one of the first Christmases in a long time that I can remember that I don't have any anxiety or discomfort. I am looking forward to spending time with a variety of people and their families. I am looking forward to having some time off. And although I recently posted about how much I dread so much time to myself, I am approaching this break with the challenge of making it the best I can and avoiding the meltdowns of the past.

I have some solid goals. I have some serious stocking shopping to do this weekend. I'm planning a trip to my parent's house for a few days. I want to finally get past the brick wall I have put in front of myself on the treadmill. I need to take some time for myself and get a haircut and renew a prescription. I have some work to do to ease into January. I want to get back into a routine of taking pictures and take some time to explore my new neighborhood. Simple things that I hope will keep me busy and focused on recharging my batteries. One more day and I will be home free for 14 solid days of rest and relaxation.

Adjustment

2010-12-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's twelve days until Christmas. Hard to believe it's going by so fast and that I am four days away from almost two and a half weeks of freedom.

The time between Thanksgiving and Winter Break is always the hardest for kids. You would think that they are so anxious to get out of school and get to enjoy the fun of Christmas that they would be unbearably bouncing off the walls. Not in my world. There are kids who are devastated because they know their Christmas is going to be slim at best. Kids whose parents are being laid off. Kids who don't want to have that much time off school because it's the only place in their life that they feel safe and supported. Kids who are celebrating their first Christmas without a loved one.

I fit into the last category. Christmas was the holiday that I love because Nana made it that way. I always looked forward to going to her house for Christmas. It was also decorated to the nines -- every room in the house had some sort of decoration, and every one had a story behind it. There were traditions. A stocking for every member of the Christmas festivities, whether you were related or not. A tin full of popcorn with Susan B Anthonys taped to the bottom from my uncle. A new Christmas sweater for Nana from her son overseas. Egg and sausage casserole. Uncle Jim napping on the couch. Sarah and I happily playing with our new toys and listening to Nana tell stories about her ornaments. My dad made sure when her possessions were divided that Sarah and I got those ornaments. Although I haven't spent a Christmas in Port Angeles for years, knowing that Christmas went on always was comforting. This year feels different. I wonder what my uncle will do. I think about how her kids won't all assemble together like they did last year. It feels as though the family is readjusting to this new sense of family and I'm guessing it's challenging for them to think about as well.

I can also related to the kid not wanting to take a break from school. Before every long vacation I've had in the past year and a half, I've gotten a little overwhelmed in the few days before. As much as I'm looking forward to having the time off, I also know that it's going to mean a lot of time spent by myself and that's always something that challenges me. A group of co-workers and I were discussing our "next jobs" last week. I commented that often I think I should've remained a computer science major and stuck to sitting in a cubicle all day (or even better, at home in my pjs!). One co-worker's response was to laugh and say "No way! You're way to social! You'd be miserable without people around you." I couldn't believe it. No one has ever described me that way and I was appalled that someone that I've worked so closely over the last four months hardly knows me at all.... Or does he? Work is the area of my life that I feel most comfortable in. It's the place where I feel as though I can be truly me with little concern about how I sound, appear, or act. It's my safe place. And in that safe place, I guess I do find that being social and interacting with people is comfortable and enjoyable. I feel as though people seek me out in that environment -- kids come by to see me just to chat and see how things are going. That doesn't happen in my personal life, evidenced by the slight impending doom of the long vacation. I know that I have the power to control that, I have options that I could pursue for company -- Hell, I could get out of town and spend the entire time with friends and family, rather than spend lonely days here.

I don't always make the best decisions for myself. I do, however, take pride in the fact that the decisions that I've made have led me to this point in my life and I think it's the best place I've ever been. There's a new movie coming out in the next few weeks and there is a line in the trailer that says something like "we're all one slight adjustment away from being completely happy with our lives".

I now know more than ever that I'm just a slight adjustment away from finding that adjustment.

New.

2010-11-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

From the point I started packing, until the point I feel moved out and moved in, it took 12 days. Twelve busy and long days, many filled with heavy lifting and restless sleeping. I turned in my old keys yesterday to the property management office -- it was a little sadder than I expected. I purposely didn't go by the apartment one last time because I wasn't sure I could do it without getting emotional. I have officially closed that chapter of my life. I think I shall call it "Phase 2: Transitional". I got to experience the independence that I was craving for so long and have a space that was my own.

This phase is so much more comfortable. I enjoy sharing my space (and this phase, really) with someone else. It's nice to have my laundry laid out on the bed when I come home. I love that someone else helps with the grocery shopping. Someone else to help make decisions about where furniture goes and to get excited about the cool thing I found at Freddy's. It's going to be a good place for me to be, both physically and mentally. Did I mention that I have a dishwasher for the first time in a year and a half? I truly appreciate that gorgeous white and shiny appliance more than I ever did before and I plan to pay homage to it frequently.

And I have this awesome view. And it snowed. And I have a six day weekend.

Ours.

2010-11-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

Today starts a new phase. Today begins the process of joining the "stuff" of two people into one apartment, and thus moving forward within a relationship that has already proven to be awesome. Everything happened so quickly. A quick phone call, swinging by after work to peek, a quick conversation to say "yes" and less than 10 days later, signing a lease. It happened so quickly, but has been so long in the making.

My apartment is pretty much packed. I am anxious. I'm ready for a bigger space, one that is "ours" rather than "mine". I know I will miss this place, though. It was the first space that was ever actually 100% mine and I still remember the giddy feeling I had when I moved in and spent the first night here by myself. I have had some amazing memories here and I will always remember it fondly, despite all the things that make me so anxious to move out. It's my space and it's hard to believe I won't be able to swing by to visit in a few weeks. Or that someone else will call this space "mine".

I am not so naive to think that cohabitation will have its own challenges. But I'm excited to tackle those and move forward in our relationship. It's interesting to look back to my life a year ago and remember having no idea where I was going to be. I always knew that things were going to work out for me. A year later, I'm happy to report that things are definitely working. And have probably never been better.

Phases.

2010-10-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Major epiphany today. And as usual, I learn about myself from learning more about a high school student.

I met with a student today who is ready to move on with life. Anxious to graduate, move out of her parents' house, and start the next phase. It's going to be so fun. So exciting. So much better than this phase. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I envied her position in life. How everything was so much easier in high school, and I didn't appreciate it at the time. I wanted her to appreciate it. Her parents have created a wonderful, supportive environment for her. One that is structured, reliable and gives her the ability to be an incredibly well-adjusted young woman with the entire world at her fingertips. She's not living in the moment. She's living for the future. A future that she has no idea about, only hopeful that it will be everything she imagines it will be.

Fast forward her life 12 years to mine. I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few weeks. I am also ready for the next phase. Tired of this current one, knowing that things are going to be so much better in the future, and I'm so anxious for the new phase to begin. I'm ready to live in a bigger home. Ready to feel more established in my career. Ready to put down roots and start a process of establishing myself within a family unit. But like the naive high school senior, I'm not appreciating where I am right now. Not living the day for the sake of the day, but for the sake of getting to the next day. How quickly I have forgotten that this phase was at one point the anticipated phase that I was so eagerly looking forward to. I couldn't wait to be completely independent and being the sole person responsible for taking care of me. I'm at that point. And I should be savoring every minute of it, rather than so anxiously ready to move to point B.

I came home this afternoon to a crock pot cooking away, as a result of really very little effort on my part. The small amount of time someone else put in to making my afternoon a little bit more relaxing was incredible. I know I wouldn't have appreciated that gesture two years ago. My recent awareness of my lack of dependence on others has allowed me to be stoked about this soon to be eaten meal.

I still want to move to a bigger place. I still want a dog. I still want all the things that are a part of the next phase of my life. But I am going to make an honest effort to stop and smell the flowers once in a while.

Honesty.

2010-10-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely on a weird track as of late. One that has been filled with self doubt, self consciousness and a lot of uncertainty. I've felt overlooked. Both in my professional and personal life. The things that I do on a day to day basis have felt redundant. I go through the motions of each day, working to get through to the end, all the while feeling taken for granted and a bit lonely.

When I left my marriage, almost a year and a half ago, I set out to be more independent. I have definitely achieved that. I rarely depend on anyone else, not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the opportunity to. It's amazing how much you can take for granted the small things that people do and when you are missing the small gestures, they become so apparent.

The irony is that a year ago, I would've done anything for life to be this low-key and feel this invisible. There are definitely advantages to a quiet, drama-less lifestyle. The alternative definitely isn't the answer.

Friday was one of the best days I've had in a long time, and it was spent primarily by myself. The big difference between it and many weekend days of the past is that I spent it being busy -- breaking the 2 mile run barrier that has been haunting me for weeks, catching up on laundry, cleaning, sorting, purging -- it was a day that I needed, both in terms of my physical well being and my mental health.

I am remembering that I have things to look forward to -- thanksgiving with my family being a very bright spot on the horizon. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I'm looking forward to more productive days like Friday and rediscovering the things in life that make it fulfilling and rewarding.

Catch.

2010-09-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. When I first started writing, I didn't want anyone to read it. And then thinking that no one was reading made me stop writing. And now I just know it's a good outlet for me when I need to process my thoughts.

School is definitely back in session. It has already been a busy year, but things are running smoother than ever. I have a good staff to work with who I am incredibly confident in and who I know make me a better counselor. I have felt strong feelings of doubt lately, however. Like I'm not doing enough for the kids that I work with. Their problems are astronomically more pronounced this year. The effects of the economy are staggering. Families are in crisis. Kids feel the stress of their environment. And I'm supposed to know exactly how to help all of them. And I don't. There are gaps in my training and my knowledge that makes me feel inferior. There are situations that I still shy away from because I don't feel qualified. I know it's just a matter of time before this feeling of inadequacy motivates me to start exploring and making strides to fill in those gaps. I want to keep learning and growing so I can better serve our kids. But I'm wondering how I will ever be able to catch up.

Nana.

2010-08-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

My grandma passed away the week before last. I don't think I can properly articulate the loop that this threw me through. Many people said they were sorry for my loss, but as soon as they found out that she was 97 when she passed, they seemed less sympathetic. But they don't get it. She was 97, but living on her own, and although her memory was less than accurate, she had years left in her. But she died peacefully, with her daughter by her side. And although it was a slow process, she wasn't in pain. She passed away talking about how my grandpa so often made her wait for things, and she could take her time to join him in heaven. The golf cart was gassed and ready to go. The cards were dealt for a game of bridge.

My mom called me to tell me. The second I saw her number on my phone in the middle of the day, I knew something was wrong. She rarely calls me as it is, and rarely during a day she and I were both supposed to be working. The pain was so intense. I've been fortunate in my 30 years to only attend two funerals prior to Nana's. Two during my senior year, my grandfather and great-grandmother, both so ill that their death was both expected but also somewhat of a relief due to the pain that they were experiencing prior. I have no experience with death in my adulthood. Until now.

My mom called me later that night to tell me that my dad and his siblings had a favor. They wanted me to read something at her service. I was in shock. I have six older cousins. All would've been more appropriate to read. But apparently, I was designated the *stoic* one of the family, further proving my family doesn't know me at all. I spent the next several days and nights perfecting a speech that my dad and I would co-write to honor the memory of quite possibly my favorite person in the whole world.

It was an honor to know her, but an honor also to be given the opportunity to share this with the packed church who heard me speak. Quite possibly one of the most memorable experiences of my life. And one that I wouldn't have been able to accomplish without the support of my dad, my best friend, and the person who was literally by my side through the whole experience.

My name is Beth, I am the oldest daughter of Jerry and Kris, and a member of the family gathered here with you today, to celebrate the life of the person I have always referred to as Nana.

I think most of you knew my grandmother in her role as a hardworking member of the community and this church. You have most likely read or heard of many of her activities, committees, and civic responsibilities that range from PEO to the church vestry, which gave her a mission and a feeling of involvement in Port Angeles and Holy Trinity.

But I doubt if any of you truly understand the magnificent Mother, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother this person was through her entire life. Her place and function in the family seemed to change as times and the needs of her family changed. My goal today is to share with you the person that her family knew, from the perspective of each generation.

First from her children: Don, Jim, Lois and Jerry. They knew a woman who was constantly involved in their lives. She was a leader in PTA, she had a cub scout pack, and she (and her husband) were willing to sacrifice a comfortable life in Seattle to come to Port Angeles to spend three years living in a 2 bedroom apartment, with 4 kids. They did this so that they might have the income needed to see these 4 kids through college. Which they did.

She was a mother who, along with her husband, not once … never…. spanked her children, despite the fact that I am told she had MANY, MANY occasions and reasons to do so. She supported her daughter while her sons teased her ruthlessly, and she watched while her daughter got even with her sons. Aunt Lois was always the first to go upstairs to the bedroom to check for goblins. On nights that Uncle Jim and Uncle Don were especially cruel to Lois, Nana would encourage her not check under the beds, which assured that her brothers would have a sleepless night to think about what they had done to their sister.

When new spouses came along to the family she accepted them all with open arms and love; when a divorce came along she never took sides, but gave both the love they needed. And the word of the generation was love. Her children knew they had her love whether she was cleaning wax from their ears or struggling to write a poem to read at their wedding. All she asked was one thing in return --- that they tell no one how old she was.

Nana was smart enough to stay out of the family’s political disagreements. Everyone knew my grandpa was a republican. She told my uncle Don that she spent many years cancelling out Grandpa’s vote, so my uncle was glad to hear she was a Democrat. She told my Dad that FDR was the last Democrat she ever voted for, so my dad was relieved to hear she was a Republican. My Aunt Lois claimed she just liked to tell people what they wanted to hear. But the only time we REALLY knew how she voted was when she lost her vision and my mom had to mark the ballot for her, and anyone who knows my mom knows exactly how Nana voted this year…

Maxine was also a beloved aunt to several nieces and nephews, to whom she was known as “Aunt Mac”, and later when a niece was named after her, Big Mac. She was remembered by these nieces and nephews as a woman who was always full of laughter, hugs and good spirit. On a visit to her niece and nephew’s house, just a few years ago, they recall that Uncle Jim offered Nana a ride to their house, a few blocks away from the ferry, to which she responded “I might not be able to see very well, but I sure can walk.” And that she did. She will be remembered for her strength, her kindness and the joy she brought into any room no matter where she was.

The next generation, the one I am a part of, her grandchildren. Cathy, Jenny, Jeff, Pam, Christa, Brady, Zack, Sarah and I. We now spread in years from over 50 to less than 30, so we have many impressions of this woman, but all so much alike. She taught many of us how to drive, she always opened her cookie jar when our families came to visit, she arranged tea parties with us that the Queen of England would have been proud to attend …… She and her husband were blessed in their business life and were able to make sure that everyone of their grandchildren had the money necessary to attend college … especially if it was Pacific Lutheran University.

Nana was also a surrogate grandmother to many additional children, both foster kids and exchange students of Uncle Jim’s. There is a young man named Miro in Slavakia who called her Nana, and Daniel in Norway who sends gifts to his third grandmother every Christmas. It was a common occasion to arrive at Nana’s house in the evenings and find a young man eating cookies and doing homework at the dining room table, while Nana and Jim had a glass of wine.

Personally, I will remember her for her infectious laugh, her talking car, her love of bagpipes, peanut butter soldiers, and late night custard. I will remember playing “rolly polly” with her on her house on 9^th street, in which she and my sister and I would roll down the hill time after time until she would exclaim that she was getting too old for rolly polly. I would be remised not to mention her talent for double dutch jump rope, of which her career extended well into her 70s. I will remember her teaching me how to play her organ while singing “Hello Dolly” and playing more chutes and ladders than any grandmother should have had to endure. I will remember the time she told my ex-boyfriend, that if she were 70 years younger, I would have competition.

I will also remember her love of Christmas. She always had a fuzzy red stocking filled with gifts for every person coming to celebrate, whether related or not. Her Christmas tree was always trimmed perfectly with ornaments dating back to her childhood. Quite possibly my favorite story involving Nana includes her prized ornaments, Snow White and the SIX dwarves. Every year, as my sister and I helped her put up her tree, she would tell the story of saving to buy the ornaments from the Sears catalog when her and my grandpa were first married. One Christmas, when her children were young, she put away the ornaments, and found that sleepy was missing, and never found it. During a Christmas dinner when I was in my teens, 50 years later, it came to light that it was my Uncle Jim that was responsible for the demise of the innocent dwarf, who was a victim of Jim’s Christmas gift that year, a BB gun. Nana, in her kind and gentle spirit, simply said “I forgive you, Jim”. And we knew she really did, because Jim was allowed to have seconds of dessert that night.

As forgiving as Nana was, she was also quick to help others get revenge. I remember the time my Uncle Jim and my sister chased each other around her house for hours, trying to write on each other with magic markers. When Jim finally won, and branded my sister’s face with a green streak, it was Nana who helped Sarah get even. She gave her a PERMANENT marker. Now that I think about it, maybe she didn’t actually forgive him for the dwarf incident?

And lastly, I will remember Nana’s dedication to making sure no one knew how old she really was. Nana celebrated her 35^th birthday many times. And when 35 started to be stretching it a bit, she would flip the numbers in her actual age, when it was to her advantage. I remember celebrating her 67^th birthday with her, only to find out a few days later, that it was actually her 76^th. She was so intent on making sure her age was a secret that when my grandfather passed away, she omitted the year of her birth on her half of their shared headstone so that no one would walk by his grave and know how old she really was. And although I am blowing a highly guarded secret, I think it’s important that we celebrate and recognize the 97 full years that she lived.

And finally, her great grandchildren. Katie, Connie, Alex, Tess, Karen, Ned, Caleb, Amelia, Payton, Taylor and Emerson. The first graduating from college this year, the last, aged 2. All of them knew her as the only “Nana” in the family, but there had been two before her who coached her on being a grandmother, and how to be a GREAT one. They will probably most remember her beanie baby collection and being able to take home a souvenir beanie baby each time they visited – except Seymour the Sea Lion, the coveted beanie baby, which reminded Nana of Great Great Grandpa Seymour. Nana always had a special place for Seymour the Sea Lion.

I have been blessed with an incredible grandmother who has served as a role model for me, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and all those who knew her. She was a witty, intelligent, generous, kind, strong, gracious woman who valued life and carried herself with a confidence and optimism that was contagious. I see these characteristics in my family members and know that she has impacted each of our lives and our personalities in a lasting way.

I would like to end this tribute to my grandmother with a quote from Ruddy Giuliani, which I feel best describes my relationship with my grandmother.

“What children need most are the essentials that grandmothers provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.”

Reward.

2010-08-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

I was fortunate to be given a glimpse of the past this week. Not in a Marty McFly "your mom has the hots for you" sort of way, but more in a friendly "this is what your life used to be like all the time", sort of way. It was a quick conversation, and actually served as entertainment as soon as the initial shock of the awkwardness wore off. And thank god life is different. And thank god for the glimpse. Because glimpse turned into greater appreciation.

But greater appreciation is sometimes served with a side of scared.

It hasn't been a quick development, but rather a slow and steady tortoise pace. Dating after divorce is scary as hell. I would imagine dating after any break up would be. My last experience with the topic involves a high school memory of a boyfriend who had a new girl waiting in the wings, until I figured out I was the more peripheral one, and she had already been cast as the leading roll. Determined not to be an understudy, I jumped into the next relationship with an optimistic and naive heart. Fast forward about 11 years to now. Naive, no. Optimistic, slightly.

I have high hopes for this current relationship. There's a certain chemistry that I've never known before, and a connection that I have never felt. Here comes the scary part. After breaking the heart of the last participant in my love life, I realize that it's possible to lose complete control and have no input on the situation. Karma can be a bitch and I realize this. I was acting in the best interest of me, and it has worked out better for the both of us, but does Karma know this? Who's to say I deserve to be this happy? Who's to say that this relationship won't go the same path as the last? Who's to say it won't get ripped out from underneath me? There are no warning signs. There's nothing either of are doing to make me question the quality slash quantity. Yet me and my neuroticism are cozy as of late.

Like Eli Stone, George Michael speaks to me sometimes. And he's told me that "you gotta have faith". I have my baggage in this area.... apparently. But, as I've learned recently on an amazing vacation (see also: best birthday ever,), you can only check one bag, carry on a second, and everything else costs extra. It's time to downsize.

I've taken risks before, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be in the place I am, but rather still be living with my parents (shudder). Who knew carrying on with life as normal would be the risk that is one of the hardest to swallow. But with risk, comes reward. Bigger the risk, bigger the reward.

Forward.

2010-07-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

I started dreading turning 30 the moment I turned 25. Birthdays have always served as a milestone for me and I inevitably evaluate where I am in life and what's in store for me before the next birthday cake. Birthdays have never been good for me. Turning 29 was a particularly rough moment. I was somewhat newly separated, living in my parent's camping trailer, knowing that I wanted a divorce but not feeling as though I had the strength to make it happen. I was miserable that night -- scared, lonely, and forgotten. I had no idea what the next year would have in store for me, but I knew it was going to be a rough one.

The next day, I set out to look at apartments. I knew the only way 29 was going to be better than 28 was to take action. I knew I was ready to move forward rather than being stagnant. I had become so good at wallowing and playing the victim card. And at that moment, I knew everything was going to have to change in order for me to be happy. I haven't been 100% successful in this task. Probably not even 50%. But progress takes small steps.

After some recent moaning and groaning about the dreaded milestone, my boss finally asked me "what is it about 30 that bothers you so much?" I was reluctant to admit it, but it mainly came down to the point that I wasn't where I thought I should be in my life. He started a typical rant about the difference between men in their 20s and women in their 20s.... I tuned out, honestly. But I started thinking about where it was that I thought I should be and why I felt like I wasn't there.

And I finally realized the honest truth. I could still be married. I could still be living in a house that I (co) own. I could have kids in the present or near future. I could have a great job. But I made the conscious decision not to be that person. And all the differences between what I thought I should be and what I am are actually things I'm proud of. I'm so happy not be married right now. And although I'm not ruling out the possibilities in the future, it's allowed me to be so much more independent and rely on myself, which I've NEVER had to (been able to) do. I love the freedom of living in an apartment and not having unpredictable expenses and maintenance responsibilities. And frankly, thank god, I don't have kids right now. And I do have that great job, when I allow myself to focus on the good.

I came home a month ago from visiting my parents and had a minor melt down about my summer and how lame and lonely it was going to be. It's turned out to be the best thing for me. I've done a hell of a lot of soul searching, and although it took me a lonnnnnnnng time to get to this point, I am truly focusing on the good things that I have going for me, rather than focusing on what I want to be different.

So far, 30 kind of sort of rocks. It's the freshest start I've ever known and it's given me the opportunity to look forward rather than continuing to look at the past. There are great things ahead of me in my 30s. And even thought there will undoubtedly be challenges and rough patches, it's going to be ten life changing years that I want to live without regrets.

30.

2010-07-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

Recipe for a perfect birthday:

Be in a city as far from home as possible (almost literally)
Order 95+ heat with a ridiculous amount of humidity
Spend the day with someone who is incredibly fun and laid-back
Tour the White House
Replace a defect room key, which requires showing your ID to the front desk guy (who rounds up his hotel friends to sign a birthday card and slip it under your door)
Hit up a few smithsonian museums
Snack at McDonald's (east coast McDs > west coast McDs)
More museums
Have a mimosa made with your favorite beer and eat a big ol' cheeseburger with garlic fries
Attend the concert of your all-time favorite band
Said band should play favorite song, which you've never heard live, despite several chances
Make sure another favorite is opening for all-time favorite band
Stand 10-15 people back from the stage
Take cab home (warning: may lead you to whine when cab is not readily available)
Shower to purge yourself of sweat from sauna like conditions, crawl into the most comfortable bed ever, fall asleep with a HUGE smile on your face.

Most importantly: have an amazingly awesome boyfriend who plans the whole day for you.

Pieces.

2010-07-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit like everything I've worked so hard for is slipping away from me. I can't describe exactly what is happening or why, but it's a feeling that I can't shake and can't identify. I'm being challenged by my own thoughts and frustrations on a daily basis. I'm trying to keep busy and distract myself, but it only works so well, so often.

I have put so many puzzle pieces in their right place in the last year. But I'm either running out of pieces, or now they're not fitting as well. Or maybe I just don't have the energy any more to make them fit? It's a familiar feeling. It's an unsettling feeling. It's another challenge that I have to work through and figure out how to manage so that I can maintain this overwhelming happiness that has been so present in my life as of late.

I miss my work-play routine. I miss being surrounded by people who care about me and want to be an active part of my life. I miss being needed and depended on. I miss feeling like me, and not this needy and dependent person I am embodying at this moment.

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." Carl Gustav Jung

Good.

2010-06-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

School is over. The Class of 2010 is graduated and celebrated. The teachers are all checked out and enjoying their lazy rainy days. I have three more days of scheduled time, and then I'm on my own to complete my tasks without any agenda, other than getting it all done before August 15th. Summer is officially here, although my favorite newscaster tells me otherwise almost every morning.

And I am a happy camper. Like really ridiculously happy. I keep reflecting on a year ago. And maybe my happiness is tied up in a comparison, but I also think that I appreciate this happiness so much more because I can remember what it was like to be me a year ago. I would love to go back to those days living in the 22 foot trailer -- life was simple, and damn it, I love camping. But if I could go back to the trailer, I'd want to take every single thing about the past year with me. Even the crappy parts, because those are the memories that will stick with me as the ones that make me proud of myself.

I am in a great relationship. I am closer to my parents than I ever have been. I am more the person that I've always wanted to be than I ever have been. And there's no reason to expect that things won't continue to get better from this point. Life is good. It is the best I've ever known, and I'm going to keep it that way.

Goonie

2010-06-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

Things that are awesome about today:

1. I woke up to the sound of rain this morning. I had left a window open overnight because it was so damn hot in my apartment. Not that I wasn't disappointed to hear the rain, since I had morning plans that required being outside, but there's nothing better than waking up to that soothing sound of rain and a bit of wind.

2. It is warming up enough in A-town that opening a window at 2:30am seems logical and appropriate.

3. 2:30am? I spent the early hours of this day with some pretty cool kids, celebrating their hard work over the past bazillion weeks. And it also represents the fact that graduation is over and my work life will return to (somewhat) normal. And that I survived the past two weeks.

4. I got a phone call this morning that started with "what do you want from McDonald's for breakfast?" Egg McMuffins are my biggest weakness, and you gotta love when someone can predict your breakfast cravings before you actually even have them.

5. I got to be a Goonies groupie for a while today. And although they were out of my size in the T-shirt I wanted, and only one cast member showed up at the "Meet and Greet", it was still fun to wander a bit and be a part of all the excitement that has been in town this weekend. I did see Jeff Cohen (Chunk) in my favorite bar on Friday and we sat in his booth after he left (I think he smiled at me on his way past me to leave, but I was trying really hard not to geek out, so who knows....) The highlight of Goonies '10 was watching a grown man do The Truffle Shuffle in the (newly opened) Oregon Film Museum this morning. Better than that was the embarrassment on his wife's face while she begged him not to do it.... but he did it anyway.

6. Yummy greek food at Sunday Market. Wandering around with no agenda. In the pouring rain. But we didn't care.

7. Being at a social gathering with your new better half around people who know and love your previous other half, sans any feelings of awkwardness. Best. Feeling. Ever.

8. I'm thinking about taking a nap in a few minutes. It'll be my fourth nap in three days. If that doesn't say awesome, I don't know what does.

Love.

2010-05-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

-Thomas Merton

Unexpected

2010-05-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I started thinking about this post on Friday night. Friday night was not the best of nights. I was exhausted from a long week, not feeling great, and was avoiding chores I knew that were going to have to happen at some point (still haven't done them). Although my ex-husband and I are no longer facebook friends (his decision, which I didn't disagree with), I occasionally check up on his page to see how he's doing. I don't know why I continue to do it -- almost every time there's something that frustrates me. Friday was the worst yet.

I may have painted my divorce as a rosy picture at times. It hasn't been. Sure, he and I are friends now and we have very limited, yet civil conversations. We exchange cute stories about my nieces. We tell each other about the great new beer we tried. We brainstorm ways to help our kids. He sits in my office until a high maintenance student goes back to class. We're civil. We enjoy checking in once in a while. But we will most likely keep our relationship to that of co-workers. We don't hate each other. We feel fortunate to have spent many years together, and are looking forward to life without each other optimistically. All is good.

Except our mutual friends. Two in particular. I had a chat with my sister yesterday about how much something I saw Friday night posted on his facebook page (from one of those people) hurt my feelings. It has since been removed, thankfully, but the need to highlight how much better his new girlfriend is than me seemed unnecessary and inappropriate. Not that it's not accurate -- if anything, it confirms that I was right to leave him because he's clearly more happy with someone else. But knowing this person, and knowing how malicious he can be, I know that it was not a "I'm so glad you're happy" comment... it was meant to degrade me in a forum that was as public as he could get. My sister's take on it was clear -- those people who have decided to take sides, clearly aren't considering that there are two sides to every story. She shared with me that her and her husband were often caught in situations last summer (when things between us were at their worst) where they would have to stop themselves and say "I wonder what Beth's side of the story is?" And because I chose not to tell my side of the story to anyone, no one knew. That was my choice to not degrade him and not bring people into our already overly public separation. In my sister and her husband's case, they assumed the best about me. They didn't have to hear my side of the story, they simply knew that I was doing what was best for me. And that frankly, whatever happened to our marriage was no one's business but ours.

And yet these two (formerly) mutual friends have not taken that route. They've picked sides. They've made it a point to display their dissatisfaction with me, both passive aggressively and through awkward communication. I can do without their friendship. They clearly weren't that good of friends to begin with. But in this small town, it makes things a bit complicated. I am terrified to attend a graduation party of one of those former friend's brothers because I might see someone who I know has heard horrible things about me in the past year, and has made it a point to separate himself from me and my current relationship. I would honestly rather run into my ex-husband than my ex-friend at that graduation party. Even my ex-husband and his new girlfriend.

Divorce sucks. I knew that it was going to be a tough go to ever remove the hate that was directed towards me from my ex-husband. And I honestly didn't think that he and I would be able to maintain a civil working friendship. But we have. I didn't expect for people to pick sides and to be so immature about it.

I'm so thankful for my sister and her husband, who couldn't avoid being smack dab in the middle of our divorce. She had no choice but to continue to be my sister. He had no choice but to continue to be my ex's best friend. And they've managed to support both of us through this process without taking sides. It had to be difficult for them. I've always heard that divorce brings out the best and worst in people. I feel in a lot of ways, it brought out the best in me and the people who have given me support. The worst was unexpected. But I continue to learn those lessons about people that will carry me through the many years to come.

Eight.

2010-05-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend marks 8 years since I moved to Astoria. Eight years. It's mind boggling, really, when I look back over the years since graduating from college. One year of Americorp. One year working in a deli. Two years in the high school office. And now, I'm rounding out my fourth year as a counselor in that same high school. Hard to believe. Life sure does look different now than when I left Willamette. I was quiet. Shy. Very insecure and uncertain about my future. I was engaged. Had a home to live in. But no direction. No idea what I wanted to be when I "grew up" and I don't even remember caring. I wanted to find a job to justify the fact that I had moved here, but I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't what I wanted. Most of my college friends were moving to Portland. I wanted so desperately to be with them. They were all starting graduate school, or great jobs, and the only thing I knew was that I was planning to get married and hoping the rest would magically fall into place.

It has definitely all fallen in to place. Not magically, but rather from my own doing. If you had told me eight years ago that I would be divorced, be living in a tiny studio apartment, and struggling to have a positive balance at the end of each month, I honestly don't think I would've been surprised. I was more uncertain eight years ago about my future than I ever was. I could've taken that as a warning sign, but I'm glad I didn't. Honestly.

If I could go back and do it all over, I wouldn't do it any differently. I have had horrible pain in the past several years, but it has brought me to the place that I am in now. I feel lucky every day to be this happy. I have a completely new perspective on life. I used to think that I could fix my unhappiness. All it needed was a new hobby, or to lose weight, or to buy something new to wear. Turns out, the change needed to come from within. It's about feeling respected, feeling valued, and feeling loved. And not from anyone other than me.

Eight years later, the decision to live here is mine. The decision to stay here is mine. But most importantly, the decision to be incredibly happy and content with my life is mine.

Forward.

2010-05-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am so looking forward to summer. Before this week, I was a little bitter about the work commitment I was going to have and the lack of the break in summer break. After a few persuasive convo's with my boss, I'm realizing that this summer is going to bring so many good things. I'm already planning to spend a week with my parents in the CUTEST TOWN EVER. I have incredibly flexible work hours, but enough of an extra contract that I'll be able to make a HUGE dent in my debt. I will move out of my SUPER CUTE apartment to some unknown and mythical place that will have a dishwasher and laundry, and not ridiculously loud neighbors.

I want to go camping. I want to go to the Newport Aquarium. I want to spend time with my best friend. I want to lay on the grass and read. I want to frequent The Fort as much as possible. I want to go hiking. I want to take lots of pictures. I want to cook new food. I want to get turning 30 out of the way. I want to hear LOTS of live music.

And I want to do all this with the person that has made me rethink happiness, relationships, and love.

Frank.

2010-05-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to post secret. I love the idea that people have an outlet for all the secrets that they bottle up inside themselves and find relief in sharing those secrets with the entire world under the protection of anonymity. It must be so exhilarating to see your postcard show up on the website, or even better, in a book. There are so many I relate to, and so many that inspire me to tackle my own demons.Some day, I will find the ability to be as bold in my own confessions, as minuscule and unimportant they may seem.

Milepost.

2010-04-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

Today marks 6 months. Six months since a judge agreed with us that divorce was necessary and signed her name to paperwork that allowed us both to move on with our lives. Little has changed since then, but at the same time, life is so incredibly different. Life is so incredibly better. For both of us, I'm sure. We've both moved on. We're both seeing other people. We barely see each other, but when we do, it's simple, polite and respectful. And although I'm still not 100% convinced that everyone believes me, we are both better off not being married. We are better people apart than we were together.

This weekend also marks my twenty nine and three quarters birthday. I have three months to go before I hit 30, which isn't as intimidating now as it once was. I have had so much anxiety about turning 30. It has been the ultimate milepost in life. I was always so sure I would be married with kids by 30, financially stable and incredibly happy. I thought that was what success looked like. Success looks really different to me now days... Although living in a studio apartment with a hefty amount of credit card debt is the exact opposite of what I was expecting,it is something I'm very proud of. And in the process, I've definitely managed the incredibly happy part.

Birthdays have never been my strong suit. It's always been a day that makes me incredibly aware of the relationships that I'm lacking, first and foremost in terms of family. I guess the main difference in my attitude towards my next birthday, and the biggest change over the past six months, is that I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I accept it. I don't have a massive amount of friends. I don't have family that's incredibly close. But I have incredibly caring people in my life who give me everything I've ever wanted in terms of support.

The past six months haven't been perfect, but they've definitely been life changing and empowering. Twenty nine has been the best year yet -- both in terms of growth and experience. I know that life will continue to get better with each passing month, which means thirty will be amazing. And that also means that I'm free to start looking forward to 40.

Weekend.

2010-04-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

I reread my last post last night and the initial feeling was embarrassment. I was shocked that my usual optimistic self could get to a point where feeling that way was possible, nonetheless feeling the need to share it with the (3?) people who read this. But I think it was necessary. I'm not deleting it because I need to be reminded that life is a roller coaster at times. Those low points that happen every so often are so essential in the process of being happy -- you have to have something to compare the highs to so you truly know that you are as happy as you feel. I have had my share of lows in the past decade, and this is the reason why these days of happiness are so appreciated.

I had a fantastic weekend. The kind of weekend that will be remembered for years to come. The kind of weekend that makes me feel giddy just thinking about. I spent time with my family in the cutest town I have ever been in. I mean that in all seriousness. Although I could see the stress on my parents's faces (and in their actions) I know that they are making decisions to assure their happiness will continue on for many many years to come. I admire them -- they are both leaving the town they grew up in the for the first time in their lives (other than several years in college for each) in order to find happiness for their remaining time. They are leaving friends and families to start new in a place where they know very few. They are taking a huge risk.

Almost a year ago, I took a very similar huge risk. I've been thinking a lot lately about spring of 2009. It comes up in my thoughts a lot and usually starts with "This time last year, I was....." Those thoughts are almost always followed by an uncomfortable memory, but always end with a huge feeling of relief, knowing that I made it past a period of my life that had the potential to be traumatic and awful. But, I have come out on the other side, a much happier person than I ever thought possible.

This weekend confirmed that I am in the exact place I am meant to be in my life. I have so much to look forward to, and no reason to look back, other than to be grateful for the experiences that I've had which have taught me so much about myself. I am blessed to be living the life that I wanted so badly for myself a year ago. And although there were many times when I didn't think it would be possible, somehow I made it here in one piece. And this is the place I am meant to be. I am sure of it.

Whine.

2010-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. Lately, I've felt a little off kilter. My super exciting giddy happy life has slowed. Was it just a matter of time? I've lost my ability to be overly optimistic. My glass is half empty.... and I'm definitely aware of the fact that the amount of fluid in the glass could be increased. And yet nothing has really even changed. If anything, I should be more optimistic and happy than ever. All signs point to up.

I haven't slept well in days. Work has been one stressful moment after another without any relief in sight. I've been so overly sensitive to other's reactions (or lack of) to the point that my craziness is jeopardizing the relationships in my life that I have tried so hard to maintain. I spend a lot of time alone. I'd rather nap than do just about anything. I eat like crap and every effort to be healthier ends in failure. I used to be able to snap out of a bad mood in a second, yet now it takes longer and more effort. I leave work early sometimes because I can stand to be stuck in my head and listen to the way I talk to others any longer.

Is it this time of year? I know I was definitely in a similar mood a year ago, although the cause of the mood was very different. And much much worse. It is nice to be in a world without arguing, and without distrust. I can't imagine how I lived in that world for so long and have promised myself I will never go back to a situation like that ever again. The fear of returning to that world has consumed me at times (see also: reasons I don't sleep well) as a result of things that are small and unsubstantial. I overanalyze and overreact. And fear that this overboard response will push everyone away. One person in particular.

I don't feel appreciated. I feel taken advantage of at work. I feel frustrated that my boss won't take the steps necessary to make sure that my stress level decreases instead of increasing, taking my sanity for granted. In some ways, I look forward to the point that he realizes he has made mistakes and is forced admit his mistake. I just want to have some guarantee that a year from now, I will not look back on the past year and wonder how I survived. This reflection is getting too familiar.

I am ready for some sunshine. Some excitement. Some sense of relief. I'm looking forward to a glass that is overflowing, rather than a mentality that focuses on what's missing. Because in reality, my life is more complete than ever.

Small.

2010-03-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

My parents recently moved from their small-town digs to a SMALL town. As in 12,000 people to about 75 people (counting cousins, my dad says). At first, I was a little taken aback by the idea. After all, their small-town was my home town and the idea of not having a home base when I wanted to visit was unnerving. But in reality, all I want to do when I visit (other than spend time with them) is eat at my favorite restaurants, which I'm willing to sacrifice for their happiness.... I'm selfless like that. I understand their desire to move. My home town has become overly conservative in the past decade and is quickly becoming a place that lacks culture and creative thinking. Both of my parents grew up there, left for college, returned and never left again. I myself have only been "home" twice in the last year, and neither have been motivated by a desire to spend time there only by the people within it. I can understand their desire for a fresh start in a new place. I know how good it's been for me.

I can't wait to visit them. Truly. My dad describes the town like Cicely, the fictional town from "Northern Exposure" -- everyone's a little quirky, but everyone has their place in the functionality of everything. We watched that show a lot when I was growing up, and even in my adulthood, I've netflixed and marathoned the season more than once. It will be fun to explore and to begin to enjoy it as a second home town. And really, talk about perfect timing. Christmas and Thanksgivings won't be served with a side of avoidance.

Over the past year, the small town I call home has been the death of me at times. I have felt like I am living under a microscope attached to a video that is being broadcast via a complex gossip network to anyone living in the county*. I have had moments of feeling un-welcomed.** I've thought about moving more than once. The idea of starting completely fresh somewhere has been so appealing to me -- I get what my parents are thinking. But there's something about this small town that's got a hold on me. I definitely have a bipolar "love/hate relationship" with A-town. Last night, I had a manic "I love this town" moments. Sitting in my favorite brew-pub, listening to a reggae band, drinking out of my personalized mug, interacting with former students, parents, new friends, current students - it felt right. It was so interesting to look around a packed room on a Sunday night and see that I know most people on some level, or know of them on many levels. The room was full of happy people, and I was definitely one of them. It was an experience that couldn't be replicated in any other small town. And frankly, a town that can pack a bar late on a Sunday night to sing a collective (and drunken) "no woman, no cry" is probably EXACTLY where I'm meant to be.

*I clearly need to stop watching the Truman show
**Which is kind of ridiculous to think about, because I'm clearly not up for a survivor-like "vote" off the island. Although knowing how much this town likes to recall their elected officials, I wouldn't put it past them to vote out a citizen who allegedly scorned their golden boy.

Pitless.

2010-03-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

This chica is a genius. As is this one. They are my divorce mentors. I swear every time I'm thinking something, or trying to process something, my google reader is happy to point me in the direction of their wise words and the exact thought I was trying to articulate. I was lucky enough to go to college with one, but the other is a total stranger. A mysterious stranger who is one of the coolest people I have never met.

Kerri recently spoke of an analogy of a swinging pendulum. That analogy is exactly where I am. Not necessarily with my divorce, but in terms of this newfound independence. There are days when I am crazy happy and want every day to last forever and to never end, and other days when I can't wait for the day to be over to see what the next day has in store for me. I have a lot of time to myself. Which is something I longed for for so long, but now seems like a bit of a burden sometimes. I am getting really good at wasting several hours sitting on my couch, having almost no contact with anyone. But I am also getting really good at being alone without feeling lonely. But the biggest change for me has been enjoying those moments that I'm not alone.

When I first moved here after college, I hated it. I didn't have any friends that were my own. I felt like I was living in the shadow of someone who was already engrained in this small community. Someone who was so much better at socializing than I was. Someone who was a story teller, who commanded attention in most conversations. I didn't have the ability to offer any of my own personality. I had nothing to say to relate to his friends. It was like I was invisible and my role was to fulfill his need for a plus one, but someone who wouldn't distract from his attention. I don't believe that was his actual intent, but I subconsciously played that role to 110% of my ability. At first I was lonely. But in a darwinistic sort of way, I realized that if I wanted to survive in this small town, I was going to accept the fact that I wouldn't have friends like I did in college (and god damn did I miss those friends) and I was going to have to be happy with the social opportunities that I had. This usually meant observing them, rather than participating in them. Over time, I became comfortable being the person who retreated into the background of his personality, serving to set up his punch line or offer a witty quip every now and then. I forgot how to have friends. I was so cautious about what I said or what I did that I developed intense anxiety in almost any social situation. I didn't have people who wanted to spend time with me -- any social engagement we had was a result of his friends. My anxiety in these settings was so great that I wouldn't have even been fun to be around if I was able to come out of my shell. I can only imagine how painful it was to watch me in such pain. People would notice me quietly sitting in the corner and would try to engage me in a conversation, which proved to only intensify my anxiety and make me retreat to the nearest bathroom.

It wasn't until graduate school that I started to think of myself as a person who could possibly function in social situations. These people only knew ME. I wasn't someone's wife.... or someone's secretary. I was just the crazy lady that drove so much to get to and from class. These people wanted to hear my opinions. They wanted to hang out with me. They wanted to have lunch with me. They wanted to talk to me outside of class. They wanted to know more about me and provide support when I was struggling. They were incredibly kind. And best of all, they were safe. As I began to make friends (and great friends) I became less dependent on the person I lived with for social interactions, and began to look outside to fulfill my social needs. This might have been when everything started to crumble. The emotional support that I needed in my life wasn't coming from my marriage. And when I found it in my friends, two in particular, all hell broke lose. Accusations started. The horrible fighting began. But they were friendships I desperately needed in my life. Friendships that allowed me to see that I really was a person worthy of having friends, and worthy of being happy. For awhile, I thought hiding these friendships would meet both our needs -- my need to have support and emotional intimacy his need to feel needed and depended on. The hiding eventually was discovered. Which added distrust to the already tumultuous mix. I wasn't willing to give up these friendships no matter what the cost because I knew the impact it would have on my psyche. I think to this day, he still thinks I chose these friendships over my marriage. But in reality, I chose me.

In the past 9 months, I haven't returned to my former social self of college, but I definitely am making strides. I don't have the pit in my stomach when I know that I have to make small talk or meet someone new. I don't fake sick to get out of hanging out with people I don't know well. I no longer care if I say the wrong thing or give someone the wrong impression. People actually ask me to hang out with them, which can be mind boggling sometimes because I still live in a world where my self-perception is that I'm quiet and shy and as a result am not fun. And I still am that person when you first get to know me. I'm cautious, that will never change. But there is someone way more fun under that quiet persona that will come out in time.

Once the divorce papers were signed, and the rocky roller coaster ride was over, I knew that this divorce would be the best thing for me. And part of that was that it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever go through because I was going to have to fend for myself. Thankfully, that self is fending pretty well these days. And I have some great friends who just might agree.

Support.

2010-03-07T15:48:00.001-08:00

Support.
Originally uploaded by bethcornell23
Support comes from the most obvious places sometimes. The people we stand on are often the most willing people to be there. And sometimes being leaned on is the exact support we need ourselves.

Slowed.

2010-03-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

I've started running again... and by running I really mean "walking between spurts of running". It's hard to believe that this time last year, I was running 3 miles at a time. Now, I'm trying to get my shins back into shape and building to get back to a point that it's enjoyable, and feels healthy. I know that I am a happier person when I feel healthy, both physically and mentally. The mental part has been figured out over the last year, and I'm determined to return to the physical part as well. A dynamic duo for sure -- one that I have yet to obtain in my life.

And in the process of building my running back, I've found that it's the walking part that's the hardest. I get the painful part of running out of the way, start to feel as though I'm in a rhythm, and then the music switches, indicating that it's time to walk again. Those first few seconds of walking are incredibly discombobulating. Everything slows down, the momentum changes and I have to readjust. In that moment, I can't wait to start running again, as I feel as though it would be less painful.

Such is life. I've been running for the last 9 months. I've been hurled forward at a pace that has been exhilarating, sometimes exhausting, but always exciting. It's been painful at times, but also incredibly heart-warming. I've grown leaps and bounds, and in that sense, am in better "shape" than I've ever been. The momentum has slowed a bit over the past month, which has been difficult to adjust to. I have become comfortable with my surroundings, comfortable with my place within my job, friends, and the day-to-day that makes up my life. At first, it felt really odd. I wasn't ready to stop the fervent pace. As with running, the break is welcomed eventually, but becomes difficult to accept initially.

I know that life will eventually again pick up the hurried pace. In the meantime, I have to remind myself that the slowed, relaxed pace is what I was reaching for for so long. I wanted to get to a point where every day was pleasant. The roller coaster ride of emotions has ended, but it doesn't mean that life isn't the best it's ever been. And the excitement hasn't disappeared. Now it is a product of finding exceptional happiness within happiness. And that's a pretty amazing thing to be striving for.

Meter.

2010-02-28T18:43:00.001-08:00

Meter.
Originally uploaded by bethcornell23
Proof that even the most functional things can be fun and entertaining.

Best.

2010-02-26T19:04:00.000-08:00

It's almost March. And the reason I know that is that seniors are clamoring to finish their senior papers, which includes that all intensive, and often dreaded, INTERVIEW. They must find an "expert" in the topic of their paper and ask a series of questions that will be written on note cards, written into papers, and maybe even discussed alongside their senior project. I have been interviewed more times than I'd like to count in the last four years. From everything to "mean girls", to society's impact on body image, to student drug use. Most of the time, I wing it. I can always think of 10 people who would be better to interview than me on the topic, but I respect (and identify with) the laziness and procrastinatory nature of these seniors and fake it to the best of my ability.

Today was no exception.

Yesterday, a student asked me if she could interview me today about relationships. My first reaction was "Me?!?! Do you not realize that I'm recently divorced? Am I really the best person to interview on relationships?!" But I was in a good mood. Sure. Why not. Bring it. Let's see how this goes.

It's a weird thing for students to be asking me the questions. I'm a great listener, but I'm not a good talker. I usually end up in such twisted nonsensical answers that a direct quote could appear to be a misquote and being misquoted could be the only way for me to sound intelligent. But, like I said, I wing it. I faked my way through it. Heck yes I know why domestic violence occurs. Heck yes I think it's generational. Heck yes I think it's more than a physical problem. Wait... Did you ask about loving relationships? Eh? What do I think about healthy relationships? And how they can positively affect a person? Wow. That's a hard question. That's something I'll have to really think about.

I have no idea what I said this morning. But I know what I'd say now. And thankfully, it's a result of experience. There is no better relationship than one in which the two people are so content with their partnership that they don't rely on it for their happiness. But at the same time, it is everything that contributes to their happiness. That relationship fuels their self worth. They are so happy with themselves that there is no fear of living without it. It's complimentary to a great life rather than it's sole purpose. When two people bring out the best in each other, those people are so good at being the best of themselves that it brings out the best in everything they do, and in every other relationship they have, and in everyone around them. And even on the not so good days, there is discussion. There is talking and an understanding of mutual respect. And at the end of the not so good days, they know tomorrow will be even better. Even if it's just a little bit. And for these people, looking forward to the future is exciting, no matter how uncertain and unpredictable it is. And the best part? Going to bed each night with a smile and having that feeling that the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner Santa will come.

No matter how nonsensical it can be, and how much I like to be misquoted to sound intelligent, I think I get it. NOW. I get it.

Sequel.

2010-02-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

I rarely talk about my divorce. Many people try to ask me about it and bring it up, but I usually shut them down. Not because it's painful to talk about (it's not) but more because I'm sometimes in the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" state and I have made a point of not saying anything that I'll later regret. And it also seems like a lifetime away, even though it's been just less than four months. It's not even something I think about too often, but in the last week or so, I've been thinking about it a lot. Not in my own divorce, specifically, but divorce in general. And life after divorce. And how people move past divorce and open yourself up to love again.

I found this blog, which has turned out to be written by my long lost twin in an alternate (but exactly the same) reality. I've thought about a lot of things as a result of reading this blog and it's helped me better understand where I've been, but more importantly where I'm going.

My parents have a perfect relationship. They owned a business together for decades and spent every evening curled up on the couch after long days of work, never demonstrating any tension or frustration with each other, even in the worst of times. I've rarely heard them call each other by their first names and I remember in my childhood wondering why they called each other "dear" and "sweetheart" when that wasn't close to their first names. They never fought. They never snapped at each other. They've always had few friends socially -- they didn't need them, they've had everything they needed within their own relationship. The parents of my closest childhood friends were all married (and still are) and had wonderful relationships that were so obviously healthy and loving. My own relationships when I was in high school were just a small step up above being best friends. There wasn't arguing. There wasn't jealousy, mistrust or resentment. Relationships consisted of long nights spent on the phone listening to Counting Crows and playing minesweeper from opposite ends of town. A typical Saturday night was spent playing super mario brothers and sneaking a few kisses in between my parent's trips to check on us in the living room. I had no idea that relationships could be challenging. Nothing in my first 18 years of life ever told me that I may end up being in a marriage that would eventually end.

I remember very vividly the day I realized that I was not in a relationship anything like my parents'. I remember the fight that happened over the toothpaste in the sink that I didn't clean up. I remember the yelling, the screaming and the tears. I remember an out of body experience when I realized that I was not treating him like I ever thought I would/could treat another human being. And I couldn't stop it. I couldn't change it. My brain was programmed to act that way and everything in my environment reinforced that snapping, yelling, and being passive aggressive was acceptable. And it continued. And, like my same-reality twin articulated, we just kept not breaking up. Getting married seemed like the right thing to do. It was the next step. If we were going to put an end to our long distance relationships, we were going to have to get married, live in the same house, and I was going to have to move where he was. I always wondered, and will always wonder, if that's truly what either of us wanted. Or if we just didn't know what else to do. Breaking up didn't seem like the right thing to do, so the default was to stay together. And apparently, marriage seemed like the next step. I was 18 when we met, 21 when we got engaged, 23 when we married.

I was more independent when I was 18 than I was when I was 28. I went to college with incredible confidence and a desire to do whatever it took to be successful. I wanted to make friends. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be someone that was happy and fearless. At 28, I was anti-social. Insecure. Trapped. I became too comfortable. I learned how to rely on someone 5 years older than me and allow him to take care of every responsibility in our home from money management, to cleaning and maintaining the house. I grocery shopped and cooked and that was my only contribution to our household, much to his chagrin. I was spoiled and I acted like it. I rebelled like a teenager and treated him like a parent. I knew I had changed since we met, as had he. And as I began to realized how unhappy I was with our relationship, I knew that I needed to change something to feel more independent and less controlled. Grad school gave me that -- courage, confidence and independence. But it was the earthquake that made the hairline fracture in our relationship begin to open into a chasm. When grad school ended, so did everything that made me feel like I was a happy, confident and social person. From that point on, our relationship began to slowly crumble until that fateful day when I realized I didn't need his permission to leave. And I can't say that I didn't look back, but the momentum never stopped moving forward.

The second time around will be different. I now know that relationships take work and I can't expect them to be as picture perfect as my parent's relationship (I realize now that there are probably points to their relationship that isn't perfect, although my dad is on his sequel, so maybe he's discovered the secrets, too). I know that if you don't fix the rock chips, they turn into giant cracks which spread quickly when things get cold. I know that you have to give each other space. And that you not only have to appreciate the little things, but you have to point them out. You have to stick up for yourself, but compromise when you need to. You have to look through the other person's eyes rather than being so stubborn you refuse to see any point but your own. And most of all, you have to be intentional about the relationship. Never get so complacent that steps are made because they seem like the right thing to do, but because they are exactly what you want -- and can't live without.

I haven't met my ex's girlfriend, but I like her without having to meet her. She makes him incredibly happy and it's so obvious. Facebook status updates that used to make me cringe and feel a weird mixture of guilt, resentment and anger have been replaced with happy and optimistic comments that make me wonder who has his password and is posting on his behalf. He's easier to work with. He's a more relaxed person. We get along better than we have in a long time. I want to write her a thank you card. And I also want to tell him a big fat "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!" -- neither of which are appropriate. But the thought is there. When they first started dating, we had an agreement that when she was in town, we would make sure we never ran into each other. The only way to assure that this happened unobtrusively was via text messages. This became a nightmare for me. Not only did I have to get a play by play of his every move in the weekend, while for the most part I sat at home alone, I also had an overwhelming feeling of "he never did that kind of stuff with me". After the first weekend, and a sarcastic comment that I made to a causal (that's not a misprint) friend which got back to him and created a (last and final) huge argument, I realized I didn't care. That I was truly happy for him. And I was happy that he had learned from our mistakes as well and was also seeing the importance of treating his second chance differently. It confirmed that me leaving, me wanting a divorce, and me finally pushing for the divorce was the absolute 100% right thing to do for both of us. I want to meet her. I honestly harbor 0% jealously towards her. I want her to be liked by and get along with he and I's mutual friends. I want her to meet my nieces and be a positive person in their lives. I want her to know that I am happy for the both of them and that the text messages that he still sends me are unnecessary and almost comical. Maybe one of these days, I'll take one as an invitation to join them....probably not, but it's kind of tempting. Until the day when we do stumble across each other, I'll let him keep me hidden.

I was 21 when we got engaged. Like I said, I was incredibly naive. But if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Everything in my life has led me to this point. Like the "choose your own adventure" books of my childhood, turning one page differently can change the entire outcome. I don't want to be anywhere else in my life. I'd love to have a bigger apartment (or a house!), a dog, more money in savings, less student loans, etc. But I know all those things will come with time and I will appreciate them more knowing that I had to work for them. For now, I have that 18 year old back. But she's even better than before because she's experienced, she's happier, but most importantly, she's learned and she is determined to do things differently this next time around.

Hot.

2010-02-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks have been all about my "tune-up". For whatever reason, I've totally neglected my preventative health appointments over the past....err... several years. And after four(!) appointments, I am almost up to snuff. One more appointment to go and I'm good for at least another year. And yes, evil dental hygienist lady. I know I should floss every day. And I know my gums shouldn't bleed like that, but if you'd be more gentle, maybe they wouldn't!*

Between appointments (and the subsequent recoveries from being poked and prodded by an evil woman with a metal spear and having bright lights and puffs of air shot in my eyes) I've been an Olympics junkie.... kinda. My 9:30 bedtime has not allowed me to watch much. I miss living so close to Canada that I can watch the (ahem!) unbiased coverage at any time of day, whether it's "prime time" or not. And I hate that my radio station doesn't give a spoiler alert before they announce the daily wins when "prime time" is several hours away. But I definitely love the sweet curling pants. And Steven Colbert crawling into the fireplace in the NBC studio. And Lindsay Vonn and my urge to recite lines from Billy Madison every time her name is mentioned.

And between appointments and the Olympics, I've been enjoying an unbelievably sunny and warm few weeks and the beautiful sunsets that accompany them - photoshop** need not apply.

From the column:

Feb 8

From the beach:

Feb 14

From the river:

Feb 17

Happy Week. Every week seems to get better than the next.

* This is how I know there is a difference between "dental hygienist" and "dental assistant".... indicated by several demonstrations of my sensitive gag reflex and the cup of water dumped down my shirt during a filling.... Repeat after me, crazy lady: "This isn't my normal job.... I'm so sorry."
**I got photoshop for Valentine's Day. He gets big points. As if he needs them, and as if they were able to be cashed in. I think maybe....maybe... he likes me.... maybe.... :)

Change.

2010-02-07T21:55:00.000-08:00

It was a gorgeous day. In terms of both weather and spirit. Sometimes forgetting a key ingredient for dinner is a good thing, if it means a long walk to the grocery store. I am so grateful to be in the place that I am in life right now, both physically and mentally. Big changes are in store for me, and I can't wait to see where this path leads.

Manic.

2010-02-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

When I was in college, and taking an "abnormal psych" course, I self-diagnosed myself with at least three different psychological disorders. A week. After reading through my past posts, I have thought on more than one occasion that I may sound bipolar. The last few days, I have felt like I'm living on the up side of bipolarness. And I say that with every intention of not being offensive to anyone who actually struggles with this disease, but to illustrate just how bright and shiny my life has felt lately. There has been a grin on my face for a while. Stuck, really. My cheeks have hurt. I'm bursting. And I'm smitten.

Thinking about the past week, I'm trying to put a finger on what's made me this happy. It could be as a result of watching the entire first season of glee over the past week. Or the "eat until you feel like you're going to puke" dinner 30 stories into the sky. Possibly the fact that my best friend (who will forever be known as chemo-sabie) got a great new job (yay health insurance!!!!) and is moving on up.... literally.... to a place of his own. A "blue buzz" at the brewery of dreams probably added something to the week. Or it could be the true and final end of a friendship, and the beginning of something bigger and better. Getting my wii back has definitely been a plus. Getting my ass kicked by Bob and Jillian will be great as well.

The truth is that any one of those things could've plastered a smile on my face for days. But all in the same week? And more? Unreal. And the best part is, it just keeps getting better.

Faith.

2010-01-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

When I was in grad school, I spent anywhere from 4-12 hours in the car each week on a long lonely commute to Portland. And the only reason I could do it without going crazy was that it gave me a chance to spend time with my thoughts. During most of that time, I was consumed with thoughts of moving out and ending my marriage. It's weird to think about now, that over 3 and a half years ago, I was dreaming about being in the place I finally am now. I wish I could jump back into time for a second and tell that person "hey... it's gonna be ok....you'll get there."

And in that sense, I wish my future self would come visit me for a second and give me the same reassurance.

I've never been religious, but something during my four hour drive to Portland and back yesterday made me realize that I truly understand the word "faith". I know things are hard right now. I know that this state of mind is not what I want. And I also know that some day I will have the ability to own a house, have a family, own a dog and truly feel "successful", something I've always measured by my relationships with others. I don't have to have proof that this is going to happen, I have faith that it will. I know that my current state of mind is going to go away soon and be replaced by the more optimistic view I've gained in my 29th year. I have faith.

And on days like these, this faith allows me to get off the couch. Allows me to put on a coat, grab my camera, and go for a long walk in the rain to shake my bad mood. Because when it comes down to it, I wouldn't trade this time in my life for anything. I know that it is shaping me into the person I'm going to be. And I have faith that it's only going to get better.

Cheese.

2010-01-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

Today is National Cheese Lover's Day. So I made Mac & Cheese. From that gorgeous blue box. And it was gooooood.

Today is also "I'm so glad I'm not gluten or dairy free" day.

Old.

2010-01-19T19:52:00.000-08:00

I saw a lot of people tweeting and facebook statusing about 2009 being a craptastic year and that they were so dang excited about starting fresh. I was taken aback by that.... in a little bit of a selfish way.... my thought was usually, "You have no idea what I went through in 2009.... and I still think it was a great year! Suck it up!"

I spent most of the day (thanks to a cold I wouldn't wish on my worstest enemy) reading other people's blogs. It's super entertaining, even though I have no idea who these people are and may have passed them every day on the street, but am nonethewiser. And then I stopped to read the only-really-really-really-close-friends-knew-about blog that I started back in December of '08. And I was pretty intrigued by what I wrote and pretty dang inspired by myself (after reading about 20-30 blogs written by other people, you have to sometimes stop yourself and say "woah, that's me!").

It's weird to read about what life was like before. Before I moved out. Before I knew my best friend had cancer. Before the apartment. Before the divorce. Before I felt comfortable enough to share my thoughts via the interweb. My boss referred to something I said last week as "that's clearly the new Beth talking".... which this blog is. But it was also nice to read a little bit from the "old Beth" and know that there was something about her that I love to be connected to.

"Reflection" July 13, 2009

I watched “Into the Wild” a few days ago. There’s a line in the movie, “You don’t need human relationships to be happy. God has placed it all around us.” As I was sitting alone (and enjoying being alone) I really started to think about this and lost focus on the movie for enough time that I had to rewind before watching the rest of the movie. What would life be like? To be like Andrew Supertramp and to be alone for months at a time without any human connection, depending only on the world around him? To have only quick encounters with people for the function they serve, rather than the potential for human connection? The value in this life seems limited. I found myself criticizing this character for this comment, as it seemed so naive and mistaken.

As I continued to think, I began to envy this character in his ability to be so complete that he could spend so much time without others and be content with his life. To be so at peace with this thoughts and aspirations that others were unnecessary. I thought of my own life and how dependent I have become on the people in my life to make me happy. I became frustrated with the lack of confidence I have in myself and the frustration I have with the lack of consistent happiness in my average day. I became focused on myself to the point that everything in the environment seemed to call attention to the fact that I was not content within. I craved the type of solitude that Andrew had obtained and finally began to understand the desires of a friend a few years ago to escape and find oneself.

I have since rethought this. There is a balance between happiness within ourselves and our environment. One cannot be truly happy with the environment without being happy within. Happiness from within has to come, in part, from the enviornment. I firmly believe that human relationships are the key to finding this balance.

There are those times that we don’t love ourselves and question the value in our existence. We become frustrated with thoughts that seem to plague us and taint our lens so that we only see the negatives of our world both around and within. It is our human relationships that serve as a reflection to get us through these times. It is our relationships that remind us that we have worth. We are loved. And we are capable. Our relationships remind us of the good in us, when the focus is only the weaknesses.

It is our ability to see ourselves through another’s eyes that can allow us to find value and happiness in the world within us.

New.

2010-01-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

This blog wasn't meant to be a venue to stroke my own ego or talk about how great I am doing. It was meant to be a way for me to process what's been going on over the past few months, and for me to put myself out there a bit more. It's intimidating to think that someone might be reading this. But I'm hoping it's valuable, either for a friend to understand what's going on with me (and why I act so crazy sometimes) or to allow someone else to get something that can apply to their own life.

I had a great chat with my boss today. Before I was a counselor, I was his secretary and we've always had a great relationship as a result. He's probably the closest thing I have to a father figure in town. He talked to me about an opportunity I have, which I admitted I was intimidated by. He then said "Six years ago, I would've expected you to say that. But the "new Beth" isn't intimidated by anything". It really through me for a loop, in a good way. And got me thinking.

I have a card above my kitchen sink (you know those square cards with inspirational saying on them? I'm kind of addicted to them) that says "do something every day that scares you." A quote from the amazing Eleanor Roosevelt. I know I'm a wuss about things. I've always been. I can find something to be afraid of in almost every situation and it's been something that I've been really trying to overcome.

As I'm thinking about 2009, I think it's summed up best by all the things that I did that scared the crap-ola out of me, but that I did anyways.

Here comes the ego-stroking part...

I taught.
I always figured my first teaching experience would come from being called in last minute to a high school classroom to relieve a sickly teacher until a sub could be called in. Nope. It was teaching a graduate level class. To people who were almost all older than me and almost all had more experience in education that I. I was terrified and even thought about backing out at one point. But I did it, I rocked it, and I would do it again in a heart beat.

I ran.
There was a period of time in the beginning of 2009 that I was a running fool. I broke the 3-mile curse many a times, before my shins and knees finally convinced me that running was not something for me. And although exercising might not seem something that would produce fear in the average person, it did for me -- did I mentioned I'm a wuss?! I set a goal and a very specific plan. And I didn't believe that I could do it. But I did, and then some. I think I'll get back into it again, someday. Someday when my living situation allows me to have my gimongous treadmill back.

I jumped.
Literally. Out of a plane. There are pictures here to prove that I actually did it. I've never really been afraid of heights, but I've always been afraid of falling (they're different, I swear!) even to the point that I am ridiculed by a co-worker about my inability to climb a ladder. And yet I've always wanted to bungee jump. When the opportunity came to go skydiving, I couldn't resist. And it was a weird sense of excitement that occurred in the plane ride up, rather than anxiety. It's weird when you expect to be anxious and have absolutely not fear. If you ever have the opportunity to skydive, I highly recommend it.

I saved.
I've never been a frugal person. I've always spent money like it's burning a hole in my pocket and the only way to put the fire out is to transfer it directly out of my account into another account, usual requiring an internet account and a shipping address. And holy hell did I spend money this year -- it's amazing how much easier it is to spend when you don't feel like you have to explain yourself later. But the different part, is I'm tackling it. And I opened a savings account. And although I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach every time I do it, I check my balance every day online. And not to say my spending habits have changed much, but I no longer have my credit card number memorized to be able to enter it into online purchases.

I moved.
Twice this year. Once into a small travel trailer and once into the tiny apartment where I currently reside. I'm living on my own for the first time in my entire life. It was always something I thought I would want to do, but always something I was terrified to do. There are times when I wonder if I'll ever be able to co-habitate with anyone else because I'm loving it so much. My favorite part? Letting the dishes and laundry pile up to the point that is almost comical. I appreciate the other people have put up with my messiness over the years -- I frustrate even myself when I spend an entire day cleaning and then find it cluttered again the next day.

I loved.

Saying "I love you" has become easier as my relationships with friends and family have become strengthened and this has been the greatest reward of 2009. It's amazing how when your heart is literally falling apart, people come along to spackle and putty the holes so that it's whole again. And no matter how scary it has been to put myself out there, the rewards are bigger than I could've imagined.

I blogged.
I've had blogs pretty much since blogging became something that people could do. Some were filled with pictures, some with words, but they were all hidden. A few lucky people have had access over the years, but I never fully committed. It's scary to put yourself out there sometimes. Especially considering that I tend to word vomit about what I'm thinking and feeling when I get to writing. So far, I think I might make this a habit. It's good for me. It's connected me with dozens of friends who I could've never talked to again, if I hadn't reached out.

This year undoubtedly has more twists and turns in store for me, and has already been a bit challenging. But I'm ready. Bring it, 2010. Do your worst, bring on your best. I've been waiting for you.

Dangling.

2010-01-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

I had a kid in my office today who I wondered if she would ever stop crying. She needed to vent. She needed someone to tell her that she would get through the heartbreak and that she would be able to be happy again. She needed to cry. Huge tears. The kind of tears that mix with mascara to leave a huge chunky mess all over one's cheeks. And baggy, swollen, red eyes. I didn't realize that I would think about her again later and that she would be a bright spot in a difficult evening as I laughed at myself that I had replicated her look.

I titled this blog "climbed out" because for a long time I felt like I was in the bottom of a hole. I struggled to move forward, sometimes feeling like I was slipping and falling, all the while trying to gain ground to move towards that light in the sky. When I started this blog, it was because I finally felt like I had accomplished the feat of climbing out of that hole. I felt independent. I didn't care what people thought about me. I didn't have regret. And I wanted people to know that I was okay. There had been so many rumors, so much misconception. I wanted people to hear from me without having to ask. I wanted to feel strong enough about myself and my words that I could share them with people. As a result, I've had a huge outcrying of support from outside my Astoria bubble. I've reconnected with friends who I haven't spoken to in as many years as I've lived here. I've realized how truly isolated I've made myself since I moved here. Friends who don't realize how much their kind words have kept me moving forwards.

Tonight, I took a big step backwards. I think I've metaphorically slipped and fallen backwards, but have caught myself. I'm holding on to the ledge, my feet dangling, not really sure if I'm going to let go or climb out again. Those kind words from my friends about being inspirational, positive and motivational were not true of me tonight. But I guess I couldn't expect to hold onto that momentum forever.

I'm struggling to be happy for someone else. I'm trying to erase the strange feelings I have in my stomach and be okay with my circumstances. I am happy for him. There has been part of me that knew this was coming and even a part of me that wanted it to happen. But I didn't expect that it would be this hard. What's hardest for me is that I am the last to know. I am questioning every conversation I've had over the past month with mutual friends. Why didn't anyone tell me? I have to remember that sometimes friendship comes in not telling someone, rather than divulging the information that they have.

We weren't meant to be together forever. And there will be someone for both of us who is. And that person will be loved by our friends because we are loved by our friends. Our families will accept them with open arms, just as they did each of us, because we see the good in the person that they saw in us. We will always be compared. We will never be as good. We will always be better. But we are not the same.

I spent the last hour walking around Astoria, needing to get out of my apartment and be away from anything that felt normal. The cool crisp dry air was a relief. The darkness and the shadow of a large group of trees allowed me the privacy that I needed. Solace to face this new reality. And to accept it. And I know I'm going to. I know at some point, just as I know for that student I saw this morning, I will look back and be proud of how I handled this situation. Just like I'm proud of how I've handled every situation up to this point.

But for the time being, I will be dangling on that ledge, waiting for the time when I'm ready to lift myself back out. I know that it's up to me and me alone. And I know that everything that I've gone through up until this point will give me the strength to do just that. I will climb out.

Dear 2010,

2010-01-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

You have been cool so far. You've made me productive. You've left my apartment ridiculously clean. You've fed me amazing food. You've given me great coffee and beer. You've shown me a sweet mini-vaca. You've connected me with old friends. You've treated my best friend well. You've showed me how much I like my job.

You've left me smiling.

Seattle.

2010-01-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

Proof.

2009-12-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

Today was spent with three of my favorite guys. It was a fun-filled day of cracking jokes at another's expense (usually solicited by me) and enjoying all that the Oregon Coast has to offer on a Saturday afternoon. Outlet shopping, beautiful scenery, a brew pub, a few galleries and an awesome kitchen store. My camera became a community camera (for all of us other than the pro) so I'm not sure who can take credit for these shots. But it was a beautiful day and my only proof that December on the coast can actually be just as beautiful (if not more beautiful) than in the summer. And it doesn't always rain here.

And proof that sometimes you think that you can only be the person that you want to be in certain situations. But then you return to the perfect situation and realize that it's no longer an exception, but that you are now that person you've wanted to be in every situation.

Milestone.

2009-12-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

It's a Christmas Eve unlike any I've ever experienced. I've spent most of the day alone, have plans for dinner tonight and brunch tomorrow, but all the time in between is unplanned. It's such an amazing feeling to have this holiday be without stressing and jam packing errands and obligations into an inhumanly small amount of time.

This difference between the present and past has allowed me to think a bit more about the season as a holiday rather than an inconvenience splattered in between two weeks without an alarm clock urging me to get out of bed. I had the opportunity to be a secret santa last week. I got to spend someone else's $400 to buy whatever I wanted for whoever I wanted, as long as it went to people who needed it. What a phenomenal experience. I never thought that giving an 18-year-old a $50 gift certificate could literally bring her to tears. She was ecstatic that she could help her parents buy food so that they could have a Christmas dinner. A second student was going to use it to buy his niece Christmas presents because her mother couldn't afford them. Of the six students who received a gift from this donation, not one mentioned something to purchase for themselves. It was staggering. I also went to six homes to deliver Christmas Food Baskets, also donated by other people. I was overwhelmed by the status that people live. And although it made me appreciate the ability I have to live in a safe, clean, and spacious home, it also made me appreciate the resiliency of these students. I couldn't imagine living in a one bedroom apartment shared by four people. I couldn't imagine living in a home where the heat isn't used in order to save money. I can't imagine trying to do homework with five children under the age of 10 as my responsibility to watch every evening.

I had a horrible birthday this year. It was bad timing and I was overly aware of the changes in my life and how it was going to affect me. I was completely wrapped up in what was missing from that day, rather than what I had. I promised myself Christmas would be different. And although I know it is going to be extremely different than any of the last 29 Christmases, I have been determined to look forward to it. The reflection of the past week's encounters with students and families has only strengthened my motivation to have a simple, un-commercialized Christmas. I sincerely think this will be one of the best Christmases, even though I will barely spend time with family and I may not open a single present. This Christmas serves as a milestone on this crazy journey. This journey which has allowed me to get to this point of being content and appreciating all the wonderful things in my life. And it's a damn happy place to be.

So long, '09.

2009-12-20T10:01:00.000-08:00

My family is nutty about their Christmas letters. My dad's side, more specifically. The latest I received, from my cousin, was about size 8 font, front and back. A second page was full of pictures with captions describing their world travels and daily amazingness. I enjoy reading these letters. I really do. I don't see my extended family very often, and it's nice to stay in touch with them through their narrative of the past year.

It really got me thinking about what I would say in a Christmas letter. And if I would ever have the guts to produce one. And although it feels very narcissistic, I decided that there is the need to have a "chapter two: explanation" available for those I sent Christmas cards to. I'm sure receiving a card from me with a new name and new address may have been a little shocking and I didn't give much explanation. It's important to me that people know that I am doing well and am one happy camper.

So here it is. (In a weird electronic format, since blogger doesn't allow you to upload anything but a picture.)

Rock.

2009-12-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

I have hit rock bottom. In all regards. Professionally. Personally. In general. Yet, I'm still okay. I don't really know what to do with myself right now. A little "not too good to drive" and a lot "what do I do for the rest of the night?" but I'm still okay. I know things will be okay. I know life will go on. Things will get better. Tomorrow will be a better day. When did I acquire this optimistic personality?! Who is this talking in my head?!

It's freaking cold. I'm curled up on the floor within feet of my wall heater because it's the only position in my tiny apartment that makes me not think that my toes are going to fall off. And it feels good to be warm. It feels good to know that waking up tomorrow will bring a smile and a little relief that today is done. And it can only go up from here. :)

Breaker.

2009-11-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

My lesson for the day: A heater and blow drying don't mix.
I am glad I learned early on in my life how to reset a breaker. I'm more independent than I thought I was -- I could basically survive on a small deserted island by myself at this point. As long as I had the benefit of a life coach and my iphone.

Today was an interesting day. I witnessed the power of friendship and family. I woke up (at 4am, to my chagrin) not knowing what the day would have in store and preparing for the worse. My day was to be at the mercy of someone else's decision to change their life. They made the right choice. They're on the right path. It was easier than expected for everyone involved.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving. I'm ready for a few days off to spend with family, exploring one of my favorite cities. I'm looking forward to the joy of two 2.5 year olds, the crazy picture taking of my dad, sewing with my mom, and baking and cooking with my sister. Giving thanks will happen at some point during that time, too. But at this point, I'm thankful that tomorrow is my Friday. My bed is comfy. I have a full bottle of allergy meds and sleeping bills. Good night, world.

Geeked.

2009-11-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

Things I've learned today:

I can procrastinate as much as possible when it comes to addressing my risk for breast and cervical cancer. The experts say I have lots of time, so it doesn't matter if I'm proactive. And thanks to the "experts", my insurance probably won't pay for it any sooner than "it's too late" anyways.

If I find a dead body in the woods, keep walking or else I will be a suspect in the murder. Especially if I'm a creepy old man. But at least I'll get to be on the today show.

Some people shouldn't be parents. I knew that already, but today reiterated it for me.

High school kids think it's really funny when people get geeked out over new fax machines. They will point and laugh and call you names. But some day, they will enjoy office supplies, too.

It's best to turn your oven off when you're done cooking and not leave it on through the night and next day. If you come home and your apartment smells really good, instead of wondering what your neighbor is cooking, check your oven first. You may have had the oven on for 23 hours.

There are times when having another person to vent to makes you feel better about a situation that you know you can't do anything about. Sometimes those people show up at exactly the right time and know exactly what to say, even though nothing gets accomplished.

I really like diet pepsi. Again, I knew that already, but today reiterated it for me.

Time.

2009-11-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been having this feeling that life has become really routine. This is usually felt in the morning as I'm dragging myself out of bed and through a routine which has been overly predictable. I definitely have the feeling lately that I work for the weekends. Getting through to Friday always feels like a small accomplishment. It's November. The honeymoon of school starting is definitely over. The holiday season is just around the corner. It's a long time to go before the sun will shine in this neck of the woods again.

There are things that make the time go by faster, though. Like convincing my two and a half year old niece that she should be able to lick her elbow. And then watching her try to do it for awhile before my sister threatens to never leave me home alone with her twins ever again. Like finding out that the last time I listened to Pandora it was on the "Richard Marx Station".... embarrassing, yes. But I went with it and was glad I did. You can't go wrong with quality 90s pop. Like spending an entire evening alone, doing only productive things, excitedly waiting for the moment when crawling into bed is appropriate.

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.-- Abraham Lincoln

Choice. Part Two.

2009-11-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

I tried to title this blog "choice". The computer filled it in for me after the letter "c" and I realized I have already had this thought before. And yet it seems much more pertinent today.

I have always known that I choose the way I approach my life. I can get up in the morning and set out to have a good day and I will. I could wake up in a bad mood, make the choice not to turn it around, and it will be craptastic. What I've realized recently is how much the choices that I make affect others and how other's choices so undoubtedly affect me.

When times get tough in our lives, it's so easy to want to give up. It's easy to think that fighting through it could be worse than not fighting at all. It's easy to see the possible negative outcomes of fighting and be afraid that further hurt and discomfort will occur. It's easy to be afraid to put ourselves out there and risk being worse off that when we started.

I could've given up a year ago. I could've decided that pursuing my goals and what I wanted for my life wasn't worth the effort, sadness, and frustration that was going to occur. I could've decided that my present situation was good enough and that there was no point in trying to change it. I knew the risk. I could've fallen flat on my face. But I didn't, thanks to the love and support of friends and family -- one in particular.

We make choices for what's best for us. We are told to look out for number one. We are taught that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. But we always must consider the effects of our choices on others. Choosing to stop fighting means that we give up. And when that fight means our life, we are giving up on everyone else around us, on behalf of everyone around us, for everyone around us.

Choice.

2009-11-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Boy, did I have a day. The kind of day that you question everything that you know to be true about kids, parents, and the legal system. I have gotten so good at leaving work at work and being able to separate the chaos and confusion from my cozy stress-free apartment. This is honestly the first time all year it has followed me home to this extent. All about a kid I had never even met until today. It's shocking how quickly one can feel connected with someone and immediately crave the best for them. I know I can't fix this for her, but I also know that she can't fix it for herself either because it's bigger than her.

I'm afraid at some point in my career, I will become numb. I remember the first few years, I would lay awake at night for hours worrying about kids and how I could help them. I used to wonder how I would deal with that amount of stress and fear for enough years to be able to be retired. I figured my heart would literally break before then. Somewhere along the way, I learned to compartmentalize my life into two distinct parts. That has been made easier with recent circumstances in my personal life.

Every job has their stresses. Every job has its rewards. I feel lucky to be able to feel those extremes and recognize in myself the compassionate that led me to this field in the first place. And although people in my life don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes, or why the hell I followed this career in the first place, I hope they can understand that it is the most rewarding thing I've ever known. I hope I can remember that on these types of days as well. Even days that are horribly painful have good in them. If anything else, they teach me a lesson. And make me a little stronger for the next day like it.

Red.

2009-11-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

I realized the weirdest thing about myself today. Every time I go through a yellow light, I turn away so that I can’t see it turn red. I’m not sure if it’s my way of appearing to not see the light or if I have decided that if I don’t look at the light turning red, it won’t turn red and I won’t have to feel bad about running it.

This isn’t the only time this plays out in my life. Lately, I have been completely refusing to look at something so obviously staring me in the face. I am choosing not to accept it as truth and trying to push it back to the back of my mind. It scares me. I don’t want to think about what it could mean for my future and my life, so it becomes a yellow light that I’m not wanting to see turn red.

I had a conversation today with a good friend about how easy it is to ignore things until they become obvious to the other people around us. People start to ask. People start to assume. People start to question. And all of a sudden, it becomes harder to turn one’s head away from the potential outcome. I’m not sure that this is a bad thing, though. For me or my friend. Sometime the same people who are making a problem seem real are the same people who can support us.

Last night, I had the opportunity to understand and truly appreciate the situation that I’m in. I watched 20 young girls have an experience that all young girls should be able to have. Something that I do frequently without thinking twice, and sometimes more often than I should. Watching a girl almost break down in tears when she was told that she had the opportunity to shop for new clothes was more than humbling.

It was a great reminder for me of the good fortune that I had in my childhood, but also in my adulthood. And not just in terms of money, but in terms of the good that I have in my life and the worry-free life that I live. I am so fortunate. I have spent so much time in the past few years looking at all that was wrong in my life – the things in my life that I so desperately wanted to be different. I have changed some of those things, and I’m glad that I did. But I also have begun to understand that I need to be thankful for the things that I do have.

I have a great job. I can pay my bills. I love living by myself and I am able to. I have parents who love and support me. I have family who cares about me. I have a best friend who listens whenever I need to talk and always supports me, even if he doesn’t agree. I am surrounded by great people who inspire me to be a better person. I live in a community where I feel safe. I get to watch two gorgeous children grow up and see them whenever I want. My job mostly consists of talking to kids. I am loved. I am happy. Really happy. A happy that surprises even myself.

There are things that I don’t want to think about and they are inevitably going to affect me. Turning my head from them only prevents me from learning how to cope with them. I don’t have to turn my head to avoid the red light anymore. I think I have the strength and support to look it right in the face and not feel bad about it. And maybe..... even run a red light on purpose once in awhile….. only metaphorically speaking, of course.

Storm.

2009-11-09T18:07:00.000-08:00

It's pouring down rain. Like buckets of rain, soak you in two seconds, makes you want to never leave the house again rain. And there's a drip from the gutter on the apartment next door that lands perfectly on something to create one of the most annoying noises I've ever known. I will either get used to it or driven crazy by it. And one day, I'll probably remember it fondly. Let's hope.

There are definitely some things about this afternoon that I will not remember fondly. I've spent the last two hours attempting to sift through a mountainous pile of printed paperwork to return to a person I once was. It's hard to believe I went through this same process just over 6 years ago, but have no recollection of it being so difficult, or expensive. I am firm in my decision that this will be the last time. The first time was to become someone else. This time it's to become me. There is some trepidation in returning to the name of a person I wasn't fond of. But I'm already prouder of this person in the last week than I ever remember being of the first 23 years. This is my chance to reinvent the past and change the future.

Bravo.

2009-11-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

I love my camera. I don't love that it always dies at the most inconvenient time. This is the last picture I took right before my battery died on a walk this weekend. It was a gorgeous, cold day with just enough rain to make it interesting. It was the beginning of this weekend, which has proven to be a memorable one.

I'm sitting in my apartment, listening to the thunder and enjoying the fact that the mess around me could exist for as long as I want it to. The dishes in the sink will not do themselves and the pile of laundry is going to get bigger before it goes away. I have a list of chores to do today, but if I only do one thing, I will still be happy at the end of the day. The weekend will still have been a great one. And although it's complicated, sometimes lonely, and sometimes stressful, it's my life and it's exactly what I've wanted for myself.

It's time

2009-11-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

It's time for me to quit hiding behind the imaginary curtain I have put between me and the rest of the world. I recently read words of a total stranger who spoke of a time period between her separation and her "superhero" stage in which she was completely void of all interaction with the world around her, in an attempt to shield herself from the questions that one my expect when two people choose to end their seemingly perfect marriage.

It wasn't a perfect marriage, obviously. But there were some damn good things about it. I am choosing to remember only the good parts. Especially the good parts in the last five and a half months. I'm choosing to remember the good parts about him and the reasons that I spent over ten years being his other half. I am proud to have been his wife. I am proud to have shared his last name and been a member of his loving and embracing family. I am proud to have a goal to always call him friend. I am proud of us that we have negotiated the past month with a level of simplicity that has shocked most people.

I have had a number of feelings during this process -- embarrassment, shame, anger, depression, betrayal, sadness and loneliness. I have chosen to withdraw and it has caused me to feel alone and rejected by the world around me.

At some point this week, I crawled out of my self-induced black hole and realized that the world is still turning, and yet life has changed considerably for me. And if I don't take advantage of the positive changes that I have endured, all my effort to better myself and my happiness is wasted.

I'm realizing that it's okay to be angry at people because they don't appear to care, but I can't fault them for what they aren't saying out of an effort to not say the wrong thing. I am realizing that it's okay to be lonely and sad for what might have been but so obviously isn't going to happen now. I am realizing that it's okay to be afraid for the future but I can't allow that fear to prevent the best from happening to me. I am realizing that it's okay to admit mistakes, but that I don't owe anyone an explanation. I am realizing that I am the only one with control over my destiny.

I am realizing that it's time to climb out of the hole that has become my world.